


Illicit Affairs

by pennyinthepool



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Movies), To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26767207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pennyinthepool/pseuds/pennyinthepool
Summary: She strode quickly with her head down to her car in the apartment complex parking lot. She heard the slam of her beat up Kia’s door and huffed out a deep breathe. She turned the key in the ignition and rolled up the sleeves of her old college sweatshirt. She peered into her rear-view mirror. He didn’t go after her. She stifled her tears and rubbed her eyes, making them redder than they already were. She turned on whatever pop song was on the radio to drown out her negative thoughts.She couldn’t believe she allowed herself to do this.
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky/Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 65
Kudos: 154





	1. Starting In Beautiful Rooms

Lara Jean quickly strode with her head down to her car in the apartment complex parking lot. She heard the slam of her beat up Kia’s door and huffed out a deep breathe. She turned the key in the ignition and rolled up the sleeves of her old college sweatshirt. She peered into her rear-view mirror. He didn’t go after her. She stifled her tears and rubbed her eyes, making them redder than they already were. She turned on whatever pop song was on the radio to drown out her negative thoughts.

She couldn’t believe she allowed herself to do this.

* * *

Lara Jean carried the last of her bags up to her childhood bedroom. She plopped down on the end of her bed and stared at what was left of her childhood. It used to be her cozy and cheerful personal paradise, with a teal bird mural and mismatched furniture that somehow worked together. She had trinkets from family trips and pictures of her mom & sisters when they were young sprinkled across the room. They were gone now.

The room had been redone when she was officially living on her own. Trina and her dad had asked for permission first but that didn’t matter, it no longer felt like hers. She glanced over at the boxes and bags of everything she owned piled up in the corner. She can’t believe she had to move back.

After college, she found a new home in Asheville, North Carolina. She got a job at an event planning firm and made a comfortable life for herself. She loved the quaint feel and specialty shops just steps away from her doorstep. Her apartment was snuggled in the Arts District and she loved walking through the crisp air on a fall day. She was confident that this was where she was meant to be. The universe had different ideas.

Six months ago, her dad announced on a family Facetime that he was diagnosed with cancer. Stage 3 Leukemia. She felt her world stop. Her dad was so healthy. He took miles long walks every weekend & went to Yoga twice a week with Trina. She stayed in denial for the first few months until she came back to see him for the first time. He was so skinny & looked frail. He used to be her superhero when she was younger. She couldn’t stand the idea of losing another parent. Her dad was her north star, her guiding light through life. She didn’t know what life would be without him.

Lara Jean’s bi-monthly visits turned almost weekly. She felt like she was the only one who could be there easily. Kitty was living on the west coast and Margo couldn’t leave Ravi with their kids so much. She took the brunt of it with Trina, her step-mom.

Two months ago, Lara Jean felt her life explode even more. She was suddenly let go of her job. Her on-again off-again boyfriend, Ryan dumped her, harshly & publicly. She fell into a deep depression. She couldn’t find a job. She was running through her small savings account. On a call with her dad, he suggested she move back. After fighting it for another month, she knew it was the only logical choice.

Lara Jean popped out of her haze when her phone buzzed. It was a text from Chris.

_Happy Homecoming! I’m picking you up for drinks at 8._

She knew there was no fighting with her best friend about this. Chris had been a help to her during this time. LJ had isolated herself in her apartment and Chris came and made her feel okay to go into the world. The least she could do is go out for one drink with her.

* * *

Lara Jean followed her best friend into the trendy new bar that she kept raving about in their ride over. The lighting was low and moody. The walls were dark painted brick and were decorated with a plethora of handblown glass vases and art deco style trinkets. Mauve colored velvet couches created small conversation areas. It was what Lara Jean imagined a beautiful speakeasy from the 1930s would look like. Chris kept saying it was the coolest place in all of Charlottesville and she wasn’t wrong. 

“So then, this guy, who is probably almost a billionaire, tried to tell me that he didn’t have money to give to our relief fund for international students, and I kindly reminded him that he met his 4th wife when she was studying abroad in America. I got a check in the mail this morning.” Chris shrugged like it was no big deal. She worked for UVA now. She helped raise funds for various projects & student funds. Lara Jean was amazed that her carefree hipster best friend with no real direction had turned into a boss bitch. She had gone from Dock Martins & band t shirts to sky high Louboutin’s and blazers.

“That’s amazing. How much did you get from him?” Lara Jean asked. They approached the bar and LJ immediately felt underdressed. Everyone looked like they had just come from the fancy offices that were in the surrounding areas. She was casual, wearing a pair of high waisted jeans with a bodysuit and leather jacket. She tried to play it cool as she tried to put down her debit card.

“No. Drinks are on me.” Chris swatted away her card. “I got a 5 million dollar check this morning.”

“Shit, Chris!” her mouth hung open.

“It’s all in a day’s work.” She lifted their drinks and toasted, “To my extraordinary best friend who I am so happy is back.” She clinked their glasses and lead them to one of the couches.

“So, what is your plan?” Chris got straight to the point. She was never good at small talk.

Lara Jean readied her pre-prepared answer. “I’m mostly focusing on helping my Dad right now. Trina has been stretching herself so thin that she deserves a break. She said I could help out at her office to make some money, but my main job right now is helping my dad. He starts a new round of treatments next week.” She tried to fake a smile.

“That’s great. I know he must love having you around.” Chris took a sip of her drink. “He was telling Ben all about you moving home last time we stopped over.” 

“So, how’s sporty Ben?” Lara Jean smiled trying to change the conversation away from her.

“Benjamin is good. He broke a story about a new coach or something and was on ESPN like a month ago.” She bragged about her boyfriend of a few years. Ben and Chris were complete opposites. Chris could come off as cold, artsy and demanding. Ben was a warm gentle giant who worked for the local news station as their sports reporter. “He came with me last time I went over to see Dr. C. He brought the sports program book from UVA and he and your dad proceeded to talk about basketball for almost an hour.”

Since her dad was diagnosed, Chris had made a point to try to stop over at least once a month to check in on Dr. C. Most of the time, she would bring a new mystery novel for him to devour. Lara Jean was convinced that Chris was a better best friend then she deserved.

Chris was launching into a story about her and Ben’s trip to Boston when Lara Jean felt the air lift out of her lungs as he walked into the bar. She hadn’t seen Peter in years. He looked different. Much more grown up. His hair was buzzed short and he had a 5-o clock shadow. She remembered how he could never grow facial hair when they were together. She knew it was inevitable she would run into some of her old classmates and friends, but she certainly didn’t expect it to be mere hours after moving home.

“Is that Lara Jean?!” Trevor, who was with Peter, rushed over pulling Lara Jean up for a hug.

“Hi Trev.” Lara Jean put on her best smile and released him from the hug.

“You look great.” He smiled and rolled up the sleeves of his button up shirt. “What are you doing here?”

She glanced around the group, not wanting to make direct eye contact with Peter. “Uh, I just moved back.” She said clenching her jaw.

“No way!” his mouth was agape smiling. Lara Jean always thought he had the friendliest face. She thought he could totally run for a political office one day and win on his kind face & likeability alone.

“Yup.” She said shaking her head. “I got in this morning.”

“That’s crazy. Let me grab a drink then we’ll catch up, yeah?” he said ushering his group of guys to the bar.

Lara Jean’s eyes shot daggers at Chris. “So much for ‘No one will even be there.’”

“It’s a Wednesday. No one should be here.” She replied and took another sip of her drink.

Trevor returned sans the group he walked in with. “So, where’s Ben tonight?” he asked Chris sitting down in a chair close to the girls.

“He’s in Vermont covering some new recruit or something.” Chris rolled her eyes. “All I know is he’s home on Friday.”

Lara Jean turned back to their old friend. “How are Rachel & the baby doing? How old is she now anyway?”

Trevor began to beam. He took out his phone and revealed his home screen of his adorable baby. “She will be a 8 months next week.” Lara Jean ogled at her chubby cheeks and bright eyes. “She’s beautiful Trev.”

“Apparently Billie was one of the last babies your Dad delivered before he took his leave.” He gave her a small smile. “He kept saying how weird it was that we were having a baby after he knew me as the kid who fell out of the treehouse on more than one occasion.”

Lara Jean laughed. “He would text me that every time you came in for an appointment.”

“How is he doing by the way? My sister works, well worked, with him at the hospital. She sometime gives me updates, but I know it must be tough.”

“You know him, he tries to keep in good spirits but I know it’s hard on him and Trina. I just hope I can help out a little bit and take a little of the stress of them while I’m here.”

Trevor gave her hand a quick squeeze of reassurance. “I know he is going to love having you here.”

She genuinely smiled for the first time in a while. “Thanks Trev. You should bring Billie around some time. I know he would get a kick out of seeing her.”

“Most definitely.” He agreed.

“I’m going to go get another drink.” she said getting up from her spot on the couch. “Want anything?” she turned to Chris.

“I’m good.” She said and scooted closer to Trevor and began talking about the latest episode of that Zombie show they both loved.

Lara Jean leaned against an empty stretch at the end of the dark mahogany countertop. She felt his energy from across the bar. She looked over at him, making eye contact for the first time. She gave him a small smile trying to play it cool as her heart was beating a million miles a minute. Lara Jean’s books were filled authors waxing poetically about the power of your first love, but no one ever got theirs’ quite right. For a while after they broke up, she just assumed they would make their way back to each other. It just seemed like fate, but it never happened. They both moved on with their lives. Surely, neither one of them expected each other to be meet in the bar that night.

After a minute of examining at her, Peter shuffled over to meet her.

“I thought you were just going to stare at me weirdly all night.” She said barely making eye contact with him.

“Considered it.” He said with his hands in his pockets. An intense silence between them hung in the air. “So, how long are you here for?”

“Don’t really know. I guess until my Dad doesn’t need help.”

“So, you’re like back back? I always thought you’d be the one to get out of here.”

“I did, but…life.” She shrugged. She felt a wall of regret & disappointment encapsulate her. The depression she felt about the whole situation came in waves and one was cresting now.

He stepped closer to her to comfort her. “How are you doing? Really.”

She rolled her eyes. “Bad.” She said flatly. “I am living in my childhood bedroom with my Dad who is going through treatments for his very advanced stage cancer. I have no job, no relationship & no direction. So, things have been better.” She let out all the anxiety she had been holding in to appear strong.

“I’m sorry.” He placed his strong hands on her arms. “I know it doesn’t help all the shit you are going through, but it fucking sucks. Sometimes it’s just helpful to say that.”

She immediately felt like she could breathe again. He always had a way to instantly make her feel at peace. Just being around him would make her anxieties flood out of her body. She relaxed and took a sip of her new drink. She saw him staring at her again. “Peter, you’re doing that thing again.”

“Sorry.” He was still transfixed on her. “You just… you’re different.”

“Thank you?” she scrunched her face.

“Fuck. That was rude. Sorry. It’s just weird.” He said finishing his drink.

“Only because you’re making it weird, you weirdo.” she joked.

“I need a shot.” He yelled over to the bartender “4 shots of Patron, Alex.” The bartender nodded his head and brought them over. Peter handed her a shot and gave her a quick clink before they both shot them down.

“God.” She felt like she was breathing dragon fire after the shot. “Can you do this on a school night? Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“Season doesn’t start for another few weeks.” Peter worked as an assistant coach for the UVA lacrosse team. He got the job after he got injured his senior season & helped coach his backup well enough to bring them to the national semi-finals. LJ knew all this from her occasional Instagram creeping sessions. “I don’t go in until 3 during pre-season. Plus, I’m not the one that can’t take their tequila.”

“You definitely don’t know me now then, Peter Kavinsky.” She picked up the second glass and shot it down. “When your life is falling apart, tequila becomes quite a big part of your life.”

He started staring at her, mouth slightly agape. “Who are you?” He laughed taking the remaining shot.

Lara Jean began to feel the buzz of her drinks. She giggled and did a little curtsy. She leaned in and whispered in his ear. “You look really good. Like wow. I’m happy for you.” She felt the heat radiating from his chest and wanted to lean into it further and wrap herself in his safe embrace. 

“Thank you, Covey. You look wow too.” He smiled shyly.

Lara Jean leaned back and stared at his face. She tried to read him like she once was able to do so easily, but time apart had made that far harder. He still looked the same other than the facial hair. His eyes still shined a hazel green. He still had a small freckle right under his right nostril. Memories of their time together came rushing back. He met her glance. She assumed this was her sign and leaned in.

“No.” he said quietly, slightly pushing her away.

“Oh.” She said blinking her eyes trying to wake up if this was a cruel dream. “I should go back to Chris.” She gathered her stuff and quickly walked back to the couch where he friend was sitting. She messed up and felt a flood of embarrassment. She couldn’t even look at his face without wanting to cry from her big feelings and the alcohol racing in her system.

“Hey, are you ready to get going?” Chris asked looking up from her conversation with Trevor. “I have an early meeting tomorrow. Sorry to be the buzzkill.”

“Totally fine.” She smiled at Trevor. “We have to do something soon. Give Rachel a hug from me, alright?” she gave him a quick hug before grabbing Chris’s arm to walk out to her car.

“Fun night?” Chris asked in the chilly night air.

“Yeah.” She lied. She wanted to get home and hide away from it all and forget this night, hell this day, ever happened.

* * *

She walked into her room and relaxed on her bed. Her shoes were in her hands. She knew half of her makeup was probably already off her face but refused to go to the sink if she didn’t have to. She didn’t know what box her skincare products were packed in and decided to not worry about it. She began to drift off into dreamland when a small beep from her phone caught her attention. She looked at the blue light of the glowing screen. It was from Peter. 

_Sorry for earlier. Let me make it up with coffee tomorrow?_


	2. Fuzzy Feeling

She added the last of the dry ingredients into the wet mixture. The sun was just starting to come up, light beginning to peek into the house from the full-length windows out the back. She couldn’t sleep after receiving his text. LJ was still overwhelmed with the shame of trying to kiss him. She sobered up real quick. She wished she wasn’t such a lightweight anymore and could have blacked the whole thing out. She stared at her ceiling for hours before getting too frustrated and turning on the Great British Bake Off. Now she had a hankering for scones.

Trina came into the kitchen rubbing her eyes. “Oh, hey Lara Jean.”

“Hey. There’s coffee in the pot for you.” She said mixing the dough.

“God bless you.” She said pouring herself a cup. “How was your night last night? We must have been passed out when you came in.”

“It was fine.” She lied. “Chris always makes things fun.”

“Good.” She took a sip of her coffee taking in the aroma. “I always liked that girl. She got spunk.”

“Me too. The first time we met in elementary school, she yelled at the bullies that were making fun of me not having light up sneakers. The spunk started young.”

Trina laughed. “So, when is your appointment with your dad’s doctor?”

“10.” She replied. “We’re going to go over the schedule and home care tips and everything. I got a new notebook just for this meeting.” Since she knew she was moving home to help her dad, she scheduled this appointment with Dr. Polly, her father’s oncologist. They usually didn’t have these kinds of appointments but Dr. Polly could tell from Lara Jean’s multiple emails she needed some reassurance.

“Good. She’s utterly lovely. You’ll like her.” She smiled while Lara Jean began shaping the scones. “I cannot thank you enough for all you’re doing. Moving here, taking him to appointments, giving up your life. It had to be hard. I don’t know if I could be as selfless.”

“I didn’t have much to give up at this point.” She said under her breath.

“You did.” She smiled assuredly. “I know you were down, but you, Lara Jean, were never out.” She smiled and touched her arm. “I think you’re going to find something in this time that shoots you into the freaking stars.” LJ didn’t believe it herself, but she knew Trina was genuine and wouldn’t say anything she didn’t believe.

Lara Jean smiled shyly. “Thank you. I just want to take some of the pressure off you. I know you’ve got to be overwhelmed with all of this going on.” She smiled and put the scones in the oven and poured herself a cup of coffee.

“It gets stressful but it’s what you do for the people you love right?” she shrugged and started walking back to her bedroom. “Those scones already smell great. I can’t wait to have one when they’re ready.”

* * *

Lara Jean texted her dad as she exited her appointment with his oncologist. Dr. Poppy was vibrant and young, probably not more than a few years older than Margo. She was pretty with shiny blonde hair and lavender painted fingernails. Lara Jean admired the degrees that hung on her wall from Duke & Columbia. The doctor laid out what the next 6 weeks would look like as she helped her dad through another round of chemotherapy. Lara Jean took copious notes on what were the best things to eat and how often she needed to make sure he was up and moving. She felt as prepared as she could going into something totally foreign to her.

_I really liked your doctor. She gave me a step by step guide to deal with everything. A woman after my own_ _[❤️](https://emojipedia.org/red-heart/) _

She looked at the time. She was supposed to meet Peter at a local coffee shop near UVA in 20 minutes. She didn’t have enough time to go home and change. She didn’t expect the doctor to spend so much time with her. She guesses she was going in her oversized sweater and ripped up jeans.

She got back to her car and rummaged through the center console trying to find some lip product to make it look like she put in some effort. She put on a mauve lip crayon and pinched her cheeks to make her look human. “Sorry about that, I guess I’m a light- “she cut herself off. “Sorry about last night, I seriously over estimated my alcohol tolerance,” she questioned. She shook her head and ran her hands through her hair letting out a long deep breath. She felt she needed to make a perfect apology. She knew if she’d be here for a while, she needed to not have it be weird with them. Chris made it clear they would be going out and doing things. They were bound to keep running into each other.

* * *

She walked into the busy coffee shop. She scanned for his face. She found him in a table in the back corner scrolling on his phone. He stood up as she approached. “Hey Covey.” He said giving her a quick hug. She held her breath as she felt his arms around her. 

“Hi. Did you get anything yet?” she said putting her purse down. 

“No. I was waiting for you. Caramel Macchiato with Almond Milk?”

She was impressed he remembered. “That would be awesome. Let me give you” she began rifling through her purse.

“No. It’s on me.” He said walking away. She sat down and twiddled her thumbs. She tried to calm down. Her mind was running a mile a minute from the moment she saw him. She needed to laugh it off & make it seem like a drunk mistake, when in reality she was barely tipsy. “Calm, calm, calm.” She whispered under her breath.

“Here you go.” He came back holding a drink in each hang and placed hers in front of her.

“Thank you.” She smiled. “Peter, I have to apol- “

“Stop.” He said cutting her off. “You don’t need to be sorry.”

“I do, though. I think I was underestimating how much of a lightweight I still am.” She cringed. “I put you in an uncomfortable situation. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“We were drinking. Nothing happened. It’s totally fine. I mean it.” He smiled at her reassured.

She smiled back. “Thank you.”

“We’ve done a lot more embarrassing stuff in front of each other Covey. This doesn’t even make the top 15.”

She took a sip of her milky drink and tried to change the subject. “So, tell me about your stuff.”

“My stuff, eh. Well I’m an assistant coach at UVA. Been there since I graduated actually. It’s good.” He was beaming with pride. LJ always admired how passionate about everything he was. “Our team is shaping up to be okay this year. Really young though. I just constantly feel old around them.” She laughed. “I mean were not that old, yet right?”

“Well, I have been an old lady since I was 9 so, I don’t know if I’m one to talk.” She took another sip of her drink.

“Has your knitting gotten better by the way?” she asked mischievously.

“Hey, that was a quality scarf I made you that Christmas.”

“It fell apart the second time I wore it.”

“But the first time was so cute.” She giggled.

He bit the side of his mouth and smiled. “Whatever you say.”

“How are your mom & Owen?” she asked as a sense of comfort washed over her. They were back to talking like old friends. Maybe Peter was serious about not her trying to kiss him not being a big deal.

“They’re good. Owen is working on a boat in Maine. They are doing research on some sort of algae, I think. Mom is good. Still runs the shop. She’d probably love to see you if you popped in.”

“I will. The place where my dad is getting his chemo is down the street. Maybe, I’ll take a walk over.”

He nodded. “When does the next round start?”

“Monday.” She nodded. “This round is supposed to be twice a week for about a month. I was getting all the details from the doctor this morning. She was nice. I still don’t think all the information has fully sunk in yet though. Honestly, the whole situation is still kinda fuzzy.”

“What do you mean fuzzy?” he asked.

“This sounds dumb, but like sometimes when I remember my dreams, they all have this blur to them. It’s like their way of separating that it’s not really happening, it’s in my mind.”

“That’s not dumb. I get it. It sounds like a coping mechanism. It probably lets you be in a little bit of denial while you weren’t having to deal with it on a day to day level, ya know.” 

“Alright, I didn’t know I was at coffee with Sigmund Freud over here.”

“Shut up. I’ve read a book in my life.” He joked.

“I’m just playing. You’ve always been smart. Much smarter than you give yourself credit for actually.”

He smiled at her and looked deep into her eyes. “Your dad is going to make it through this.”

“Thanks. Too bad you can’t promise that.”

“I can’t promise anything, but your dad is strong. He’s one of the best people I’ve ever known. He would do anything to be there for you and your sisters.” He put his hand onto of hers. Lara Jean felt sparks rush through her body. She thought if anyone else would touch her in the next 5 minutes, she would shock them across the street. All the hair on her body was standing up on end.

“You know you’re really good at this.” She bit her lip and playfully rolled her eyes.

“Good at what?” he asked why a smug smile on his face.

“Being… good.” His hand was still placed on top of hers. “You’ve always been too good. It’s kind of the worst part about you.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” He pulled back laughing.

“Just like you could be more of an ass sometimes. You being nice & considerate & kind & funny & cute & handsome is just too much for anyone else to live up to. Make it easier for the rest of us Kavinsky.”

He shrugged and laughed. “I don’t know what to tell you. Want me to go yell at a waiter or something?” he pointed behind him. “I can go do that if it would make you feel better.”

They both burst out into laughter. Lara Jean had her head thrown back and grabbed onto the table almost knocking over her drink, causing them to laugh even more.

* * *

After another hour of chatting they walked out to the parking lot. It was an overcast day. The clouds looked like they were about to open up any second now.

“So, then he tried to flip off the ramp and split his head open in 3 places.” He said smiling from ear to ear. “You really missed out on some classic Trevor in college moments.”

She giggled, holding her hands in front of her as his car came into her sight. “There she is.”

They approached his old Jeep. “She hasn’t given up on me yet.” He tapped the side body of the car.

“Did you ever get that coin holder place thing fully open?”

“No. It is still broke from when you tried closing it when it was too full so you would have a spot for your chicken nugget dipping sauce.”

“I’m still really sorry about that. Imagine all the pennies and dimes left in there to die.”

“I’d like to imagine it as their retirement home. They stay there forever and no one comes to visit them.”

“Too dark, Kavinsky.” They both laughed. Her back was leaned up against the back of his Jeep. He stood in front of her with a shimmer in his eyes. Lara Jean blushed.

“I’m so glad we got to do this today.” He said looking deeply into her eyes.

“Me too.” She wanted to grab his face but she not dare do that again. She reached out her arms offering him a hug. He extended his arms to meet hers. He pulled her in tight and for what felt like longer than a friendship hug. LJ tried her best not to melt into him. She missed feeling his strong chest against hers.

He let go and looked deep into her eyes. Lara Jean met his and smiled. In that moment, he grabbed her face and deeply kissed her. Her adrenaline was racing. She loved how they knew how to move together. She got goosebumps from the way his hands messaged the contours of her face. Her hands on his side slowly moving up and down. She knew that used to drive him crazy. He took a step closer to her, pushing her up against the car. One leg in between hers. She could feel him pushing up against her thigh. Her heart rate increased.

Just when it was getting heavy, he pulled back breathlessly. Lara Jean stared at his lips, not wanting to be without them any time soon. She met his glance and leaned her forehead against his, breathing out a long giddy breath. “So what now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been really influenced by music so I want to add some of the songs that I've been listening to a lot while writing this on each chapter. 
> 
> Chapter Playlist: 
> 
> Control - Zoe Wees  
> Who Would Have Thought - Dylan Dunlap  
> Daydreams - Maisie Peters


	3. The F Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M for Mature

“Here it is.” He said opening the door for her. She smiled and peaked inside taking his apartment in. It was industrial but cozy. He lived in an old factory that some developer turned into stylish new apartments. It felt hip & modern without feeling cold. She walked through the door and turned around to him with a small smile on her face. Part of her couldn’t believe this was happening.

He closed the door and rushed to her lips. Lara Jean threw her bag on the ground and threw her arms around his neck. While making out, he lead her step by step to the couch. She felt her knees bump into the cognac colored leather sofa. She was about to fall backwards when Peter pulled her closer. His powerful hands were nestled in the small of her back and began pulling at the hem of her sweater.

She gasped breaking their lips apart for a sweet moment. She studying his face, his swollen lips bruised red and his long eyelashes fluttering from her light scratches on his neck. She stepped back and let Peter examine her for a moment before removing her sweater revealing an unsexy nude t shirt bra. She really wished she had time to go home and change before this.

He stepped closer to her, his eyes transfixed on her upper body. He guided her onto the couch. LJ leaned back on the chaise lounge of his well-worn sectional. He hovered above her, eyes full of lust, building the tension.

“Um, forgetting something?” Lara Jean whispered with a smug smile plastered across her face. He shook his head playfully and pulled his Henley over his head. Lara Jean’s eyes felt like they were about to pop out of her head. He looked like his body was sculpted by the gods. She was shocked by her own confidence in all of this. She usually was more demure when it came to this with anyone else.

She reached to pull him down to her lips but he pulled back for a moment before placing small kisses down her jawline, down her neck, stopping just before her cleavage. Lara Jean let out a small moan as if she only wanted him to hear. He immediately came back to her and captured her lips. It was passionate and more determined than before. Their tongues playfully wrestled for who could pin each other down.

Peter’s hands traced its way up her body. Lara Jean let out a whimper as his sturdy thumbs circled the smallest part of her waist. Her toes curled as she arched her back and leaned into him. She bit his lip begging him for more. His hand cupped her breast over her bra and they both let out labored long breaths. He kissed her neck using his whole body to place kisses just below her ear. His breath flirting with her earlobe made her body feel like it was on fire. She arched her back dramatically. “Take it off.” She said breathlessly.

He did as he was told. He quickly unclasped it and threw it to the ground. His eyes were spellbound on her chest. “Shit,” escaped from lips before slowly placing soft kisses on the tops of her breasts. A moan escaped her body as his lips raptured her nipple. The ecstasy of his touch made her vision blurry. She threw her head to the side as she let him take charge of her body. Her fingers danced over his buzzed hair, making small grunts vibrate on her chest.

He grabbed her face, pulling it in for a long tender kiss. Even in the heat of the moment, he made Lara Jean feel safe and protected. The tension rose between them. Lara Jean could feel him pressing against her through his jeans. She felt her brain frazzle with a mix of excitement and fear. She pulled back. “Peter?” she held onto his shoulders.

His eyes drifted open. “Yes.” He said veraciously trying to nibble at her chest.

“We gotta stop.” She said as her breath hitched as his fingers delicately played with her chest.

He pulled away. “Is everything okay?” A worried look spread across the softness of his face.

“Everything is fine. Great. Wow even.” She pet the side of his head. “I think it’s just going a little too fast for me right now.” She blushed and tried to play it off.

He leaned in and leaving a long lingering kiss on her forehead. “I’m on your schedule, Covey.” His eyes pierced her soul. _How did you get so lucky?_ She kept thinking over and over as they touched their foreheads together for a moment.

Peter pulled back. “Can I get you anything? Water or something?” He was sitting perched in front of her like a lion waiting to take down his prey. “Water would be excellent.” She smiled and leaned back into the couch, exposing her boobs further.

He walked around the couch, giving her a kiss as he passed her on the way to the kitchen. She sat up and grabbed her sweater. Now that he wasn’t in the room, she felt too naked. She slid it over her head and crossed her arms over her mid-section.

He came back, holding two glasses. His smile enveloped his whole face as he handed her a glass. “Cheers.” They clinked glasses. They both took sips. Peter let out a small laugh and shook his head.

“What?” she said not even knowing what she was giggling about.

“I just didn’t think this was how today was going to end up.” He put his hand to his head and mischievously looked over at her.

“Stop.” She playfully hit his arm. Her stomach was still doing summersaults over what just happened. He looked at her as if she was the only girl in the world. She wanted to feel this way for forever. “Do you have a bathroom?” she said suddenly breaking their comfortable silence.

“Yeah. It’s the door at the end of the hallway.” He pointed down a dark corridor. She got up and kissed his cheek as she walked into the washroom.

After her business, she washed her hands and examined herself in the mirror. Her hair was frizzed beyond repair. Her cheeks flush with color from her body heat. Her face burst into a smile at the thought of what just happened. In the mirror, she examined the pictures behind her. It was a delicate water color painting of an infinity pool that looked over what she thought was the Grecian hillside. She thought it was beautiful but didn’t think it would be anything he’d have in his apartment. It was too girly for his style. She scrunched her nose and turned off the water.

“Hey Peter?” She said walking back into the living room shocked he wasn’t sitting on the couch. “One sec!” he yelled from another room. She wondered around the room, trying to learn more about his life now. She found a candid picture of Peter & Owen at Owen’s high school graduation and a fake eucalyptus plant on one set of bookshelves surrounding the tv. His style was simple and clean, the complete opposite of the knickknacks and clutter that brought Lara Jean so much joy. She meandered to the other set of shelves and cocked her head.

Her fingers gingerly touched a photo of Peter and a girl she had seen on Instagram before. His arms her draped over her shoulders, both smiling proudly. She felt her heart sink into the floor. “What?” she murmured trying to blink hard enough to make her make sure she was seeing clearly.

He came back into the room rubbing his chest. “Sorry about that.” He smiled not realizing what she was looking at. Lara Jean turned to him looking as if she just saw a ghost. The color washed away from her face. It took him a moment before he realized. He sprang to her. “Lara Jean, I can explain.”

She felt her heart stop. Her ears rung in the way she only had known from the movies. She felt like she was about to vomit. “What?” she said exasperated.

“Daisy is my fiancé.” He said motioning to the picture. Lara Jean sucked in air hoping this was a joke. “Well, was I guess. We broke it off when she decided to go work on a documentary in Eastern Europe. It wasn’t good for a while before that. We used to live here together. She hasn’t really moved out since she was leaving to work on that movie.” He slowly stepped closer to her.

She stepped back, bumping into the wall. “You’re engaged?” her eyes were in shock.

“We’re not together anymore.” He said trying to reach out to her. “Come sit with me. We can talk about it.”

“I have to go. I can’t believe… FUCK!” she yelled and she paced through the room to the entry way to pick up her bag. She picked it up and looked back at him. Tears were already rolling down her cheeks. “Fuck you.” She shook her head while opening the door and running to her car.

* * *

Lara Jean sobbed into her pillow for hours. Her heart ached for this to all be a terrible nightmare and that she would wake up any minute. She blasted saddest Bon Iver music she could find and leaned into her sadness. She could not wrap her mind around that her sweet, good Peter could do this to her. She looked at her phone. He had been texting her non-stop. She threw her phone down and cried even harder. She closed her eyes and tried drifting off to sleep to stop her from her heartbreaking dizzy thoughts. 

* * *

Just past midnight, she heard a tap on her window. She sat up in bed and rubbed her chapped nose. She heard another tap and threw back her covers. She made her way over to the window and looked down. She shook her head and pulled her hair into a messy bun. Another tap. She rolled her eyes and unlatched the window. “What do you want, Peter?”

He looked up at her with his hands in his maroon zip up hoodie. “Can we talk?” he semi-yelled trying not to wake anyone else up.

“We have nothing to talk about.” She said sternly.

“I need to explain. Please just let me up and I will explain everything. I just need you right now.” He said chocking up.

Her heart panged for the crack in his voice. “Fine.” She said stepping back from the window and sitting down on the edge of her bed.

His head popped up in the window. “I think I’m getting too old to climb this thing.” He tried to joke. She looked back at him blankly. He swung his leg over the window sill and entered the room. He stood there for a moment not saying a word. “This looks different.” He said putting his hands back in his pocket.

“Yeah. They re-did it when I moved out.”

He stood back near the window biting his lip. “So, I owe you an explanation.” He said calmly.

“Talk.” She spoke plainly with a rage in her eyes.

“The picture you saw was of me and Daisy. We both worked at the university and met at a faculty event. She did research in the sociology department. We dated for about a year then got engaged. It felt like what we were supposed to do. I loved her, but not in the way you are supposed to love the one, if that makes sense. I stuck by her because I made a commitment, but it wasn’t great.” He took his hands out of his pocket and stepped closer to Lara Jean. “She got an opportunity to work on a documentary about some social program in Kosovo & Moldova, I think. We fought about it. She was determined to go. So, she did and we broke up.” He tried to search Lara Jean’s face for anything he could hold onto. “She hasn’t moved out since she went off to Europe. I guess she planned to when she got back. She’s been gone for months now.” He licked his lips, a little bit ashamed of his actions. “I should have told you before. I’m an ass that I didn’t. I forgot the picture was even there, I swear.” He looked like he was about to well up. “I have been in this funk since it happened. Probably before that even, like I wasn’t me.” He took another step, now right in front of her. “You are the only thing that has made me feel like me. You can’t go away now that I just got you back.” Tears welled in his eyes.

She felt like she was about to cry too. She didn’t know if it was the stress of her dad’s situation or him being so vulnerable with her, but she put her hand on his cheek and kissed him softly.

She pulled away and rubbed his face. “I need you too.” she whispered.

He wrapped her in his arms, wanting to feel close with her. He nuzzled his face into her neck to take in her smell. Lara Jean felt his heart beating through his chest. She took a deep breath. She felt at peace in his arms. Her anxieties washed away when he was holding her close.

He pulled away and kissed her tenderly, like he wanted her to know that she was in charge. She began to tug at the zipper of his hoodie. He knew that was the sign and leaned forward, pushing her onto the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the super kind comments on this one so far! I love them. This story makes me feel like the Marie Kondo gif "I love mess." 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:
> 
> Pill for This - Sam Derosa  
> Feel Something - Landon Austin  
> Gravity - Sara Bareilles


	4. Your Mother's Fearless Heart

Lara Jean’s eyes fluttered open to the BEEP-BEEP of her iPhone alarm. She reached over to shut her phone off and slowly sat up. She looked to her side. He was already gone. She pulled the covers up over her naked body and sighed.

She felt almost hung over from the rollercoaster of yesterday. Her mind was all over the place. She felt the rush of him making her body go crazy. She remembered the utter devastation of finding the picture. Her biting curiosity kept poking at her that something was off, but she was too enamored by him to care.

* * *

After they slept together last night, they laid in her bed listening to the cricket & fireflies chirp on the early fall evening. Her head was laid across his strapping chest and she traced every muscle, trying to remember them in her brain. He pet her hair and told stories about when he was a kid, something he usually didn’t share. “Me and my dad would try to catch the fireflies on nights like this.” he told her humming and smiling as his free hand coasted up and down her arm. “I first tried to catch them in a net but they would all escape. I would get so mad and yell that none of them wanted to be my friend.” They both giggled. “Then my dad brought out this old puppet from the house. It was supposed to look like a Dalmatian or some kind of black and white dog. He told me to swing it around really fast and I was bound to get some.”

LJ looked up at him with softness in her eyes. “Did you get any?”

“The whole puppet was neon. It was brighter than a glow stick. The fabric was so tightly woven none could escape the puppy’s grasp. I was so excited to catch them, you could have killed the cat on that day and I would not have cared.” He smiled a goofy smile that made Lara Jean weak in the knees. “I wasn’t supposed to but I brought it up to my bedroom to use as a nightlight. The next morning, bugs escaped & were everywhere. All over my room, my bed, the pillows, everywhere. My mom was so pissed. I think I couldn’t go get ice cream for a month.”

“You were obviously trying to save the bugs.” She said tapping his chest.

“Exactly. I thought bringing them in the house was the best way to take care of them. Waking up to a firefly massacre was not in the game plan for all parties involved.”

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“Who?” he cocked his head.

“Your dad.”

“Oh.” He took a moment to collect his thoughts. She felt him take three deep breaths, readying himself. “Right after I got injured I saw him. He came to the hospital. We didn’t really talk though. He came in, patted me on the shoulder, talked to my mom for 20 minutes and left. He didn’t say he was sorry or anything. He just looked bummed. Like I let him down or something. I don’t care what he thinks. He’s not part of my life or whatever, but it was weird.” He kissed her forehead. “But we have to talk about him.” 

She sighed and looked up at him. She knew the dad stuff was always lingering in the back of his mind. He used to have complete breakdowns about it when he would try to reach out the holidays or birthdays. He would get infuriated about him only reaching out when he was “supposed to” and leaving his mom abandoned for the other 360 days of the year. She rubbed her hands along his shortly trimmed beard trying to comfort him. “When did you start to grow this?”

“Maybe a year ago.” He closed his eyes and felt relaxed as LJ messaged his face.

“You never could grow this before.” She smiled finding one patchy spot and gently circling her finger around it.

“Dais wants me to look more rugged.” He replied without thinking. “Sorry. Shit. I shouldn’t- “

“It’s okay.” She said moving his chin down to meet her with a kiss.

He grabbed her face pulling her body up and straddled over him. They were off to the races again.

* * *

She spent most of the weekend unpacking. The boxes piled in the corner were beginning to make her depressed to look at. She was beginning to not feel defeated that she was back now that she had him.

She dragged the heavy box holding her books over to the simple white bookshelf in the corner. She didn’t know if it had enough room for her immense library. She began lifting books out of the box trying to find a perfect way to organize them. She considered color, too hard to find. She thought about genre, 95% were all romance novels, not worth it. She decided by author was the way to go. She started grabbing books by Aaron & Allen placing them on the top shelf. She sifted through her books looking for the next piece in her puzzle. She stumbled upon a paperback romance novel with a man leaning his head into a shower. His buzzed hair, sharp jaw, and 5 o’clock shadow reminded her of Peter. She grabbed her phone and sent him a picture.

_When did you pose for one of my romance novels?_ 😍😍😍

He texted back

_Maybe it was the plan all along so you’d never forget me._

She smiled and threw her phone on the bed while she got down to work. She sang along to the 2000’s hits playlist on Spotify and tried to turn this blank canvas of a room to a place of her own.

She got into a zone the next day. Most things that were staying in her room were put away. She was putting the finishing touches on her closet when Trina stuck her head into her room. “It’s looking great in here.”

“Thanks.” She said hanging up a flowy sky-blue sundress.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing about tomorrow.” Her stepmom leaned up against the white painted door frame. “I know you had the info meeting with Dr. Poppy but I know my nerves were shot the night before his first treatment.”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I think it won’t hit until I’m there and see him hooked up.” She pursed her lips. “I really want to not cry when I’m there. I feel like I need to be strong for him.”

“Are you kidding me? I sobbed the first time we were there for the whole time. I could literally not stop tears from falling. Your dad was a trooper though. He just held my hand and watched episodes of the Property Brothers with me.” She smiled.

“Maybe, I can convince him to finally watch Gilmore Girls with me.” She smirked. “He’s always refused but this time he can’t get up and leave.”

“Anything is possible.” She said laughing. “I’ve leave you to it.”

* * *

Coffee in hand, she walked back into the treatment room. Her dad was in a comfy leather chair looking very intensely at his phone while the IV pumped medicine through his body.

“How ya doing?” she took the seat next to him looking over at his phone.

“Good. I just can’t seem to beat this level.” He looked up from his phone and smiled at his middle daughter. “Kitty got me addicted to this dumb game when she was in town. I think I’m pretty horrible at it. I’m not sure video games are my true calling.”

“Same. I usually give up after 5 minutes.” She leaned back in her chair. “How does it feel?”

“The chemo?” he asked. She took her head yes. “Well it feels like you can feel your blood pumping through your whole body. There’s a steroid in this medicine so I kind of feel like I could lift a Mac Truck. That’s probably why I race through books in here. Too much energy. But those feelings wear off and tomorrow I will probably be really tired. It’s like when we would give Kitty sugar as a kid, off the wall crazy then completely knocked out.”

“Remember that one time she snuck cookies before dinner at Grandma’s and ran around so much that she broke that vase she got in Italy?”

“Yes, how could I forget when she still reminds me every time we saw her until Kitty graduated high school.” He chuckled. “I was never the best at dealing with that stuff. Your mom, she always knew how to shut that stuff down. I was the people pleaser.”

“But that’s why you worked though. She was the muscle, you were the heart.”

“I used to be tougher before you girls were born, I swear. On one of my first dates with your mom, I almost got us banned from a dive bar for trying to fight someone who tried to cut in front of her. This dude must have been 6’5 and towered over both of us. I wanted to look cool to her so I was puffing out my chest, trying to defend my lady. The guy was about to punch me in the face when your mom broke every health code violation & reached over the bar, threw a beer at him and told him to scram.”

“WHAT? My mother did THAT?!” Lara Jean laughed.

“You had to be there. I knew it from that moment on to leave all confrontation to her.”

LJ pulled her legs close to her chest and swirled her coffee. “When did you know Mom was it?”

“When did I know your mom was the one? I don’t know if there was an exact moment but I remember saying it out loud when she tried to break up with me when I first started med school.”

“You almost broke up?”

“Oh yeah. We got in a huge fight about me being too tired to go out with our friends after a big exam. She was so desperate to go. I told her that I couldn’t even think about leaving the couch for 24 hours. I stupidly said she should just go by herself.” He rubbed his head in embarrassment. “She got so mad at me she started to pack a suit case. I don’t even know how she got it down from the closet, she was so tiny.” He smiled to himself. “When she tried to yell at me to let her go, I told her that it was never going to happen because I needed her in my life and that my life couldn’t exist without her.”

“What did she say?”

“She punched my shoulder, kissed me, and we proceeded to go out with her friends.”

“Do you still miss her?” she asked quietly.

“Everyday.” He said plainly. “She was the best part of me and she gave me my world, you and your sisters. I see so much of her in all of you constantly. Margo is the caretaker who makes all the decisions. Kitty has her dance around the diner wild side, and you have her fearless heart.”

“I do?” her eyes shot open.

“Yes. You would wrangle the moon for the people you love, same as her. You both can do things even when you’re terrified they won’t work. I think sometimes you like people having to convince you, but you will do the hard or scary thing if you think it’s right. You always have.”

She smiled trying to internalize his compliment. “Thanks Dad. But what if I don’t know if it’s the right thing?”

“You’re bound to make mistakes, honey. Sometimes doing the stupid thing is the thing that works out the best.”

She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks Dad.”

“Just make sure you’re being careful with that heart of yours.” He smiled and picked up the TV remote and began flipping through the channels.

“I will.” She rolled her eyes, relaxing back into the chair.

“Make sure you relay the message to whoever was climbing in your window the other night.”

“DAD!” She went beet red.

“No judgment on my end, sweetie. Just whatever you’re doing, make sure it’s what you want. If all this…” he motioned to the IV drip, “has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short to not be happy.”

She smiled at him and sunk into her chair. Her mind immediately wandered to Peter. She looked at the time and thought he was probably still at practice. She always thought they would find their way back to each other. She didn’t expect it to be now. Her dad’s words run in her head.

_Too short to not be happy._ _Too short to not be happy._ _Too short to not be happy._

She needed to see him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Playlist: 
> 
> Pancakes for Dinner – Lizzy McAlpine  
> Shelter - Joy Oladokun  
> Stay-Abraham Alexander  
> Sofia-Clario


	5. Lie on my sheets, then lie to my face

“Are you home?” She spoke softly into her phone.

“Yeah. Just got back from practice. I’m all sweaty. Let me hop in the shower”. He replied instantly.

“Don’t.” she said in a low, slow voice. There was a knock on the door.

“Covey!” He sounded shocked and opened the door. She stood in the doorway with her head cocked to the side. She ended the phone call and licked her lip as she looked him up and down. “Hi.” His breath hitched.

“I have a present for you.” He took a step inside slyly smiling at him.

“What?” he tried to shake his amazement of her telling him to stay sweaty for her and come back to reality.

She took out a white box from her purse. “I made it just for you.” He held it in his hands and looked up at her. He gingerly opened the box. “No way.” He looked up with stars in his eyes. “Is this?”

“Your favorite fruitcake cookies.” She said lifting one up to his lips. He took a bite and leaned his head back. “How are these so fucking good?” he exclaimed.

“I’m glad you like them.” She said kissed his cheek. She saw his shoulders relax. The rush of control over him instilled a confidence unknown to her with anyone else. “That’s not the only present I have for you.” She whispered in his ear. His eyes shot open and he sucked in a sharp breath. She felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

She giggled and held out her hand to him. He took it, curious to know what was going to happen next. She lead him to the kitchen to put down his box of cookies. “Now, I never did get a tour the other day.” She stood leaned back against the countertop. “I’ve seen the kitchen, the living room, bathroom” she dragged out her words knowing she had him in her pocket. “But weirdly, not the bedroom.” She closed the gap between their bodies. His body heat and smell of sweat & the Abercrombie body wash he had been using since high school caused her to heave her upper body closer to his. “Will you take me there?” she uttered seductively.

He shook his head speechlessly and walked her into his bedroom. His bedroom was brighter than she expected. Two windows framed his tufted headboard and king-sized bed. He turned back to her waiting for her next surprise.

Lara Jean delicately unzipped her military green bomber jacket while maintaining eye contact with Peter. She revealed a lacy ice blue bralette. Peter’s eyes were glued on her body. The lace of the garment left nothing to the imagination. He marveled at her already attentive nipples. She pushed him to sit down on the side of the bed. She greedily kissed him. His hands wrapped around her waist pulling her into the V between his legs. She broke the kiss and stroked her hands across his strong shoulders. “I still have to give you my other present.” she held his gaze for a moment before leaning in and whispering, “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

His jaw hung open. “Shit. I need you right now.” His eyes burned with desire while he continued to stroke her sides.

“Life is too short to not be happy.” She said scratching the back of his neck. She stared in his eyes for a moment, taking in her favorite boy. She looked down and saw his bulge building in his shorts. “Arms up.” She said with a smirk. He did as she was told, smiling back like a kid in a candy shop. She removed his sweat stained t shirt painstakingly slowly. He grabbed at her body, the tension raising too high to stop himself. He pressed small kisses against her chest. Lara Jean grabbed his face and kissed him. What started out romantic & delicious quickly became hungered and passionate. He broke away, kissing down her chest while his fingers played with the button of her jeans. She let out a feathery moan as his hands grazed across her bare hips.

She helped him slide them down and pushed him onto the bed. He stared at her unclothed body with lust in his eyes. She felt so wanted, needed, desired. She joined him taking off his gym shorts, running her hands up and down his thighs. His animalistic instincts took over and pushed her against the bed. He licked down her body, trying to capture every bump and scar. He teased her as he reached her lower half. She was breathing heavily. Peter looked up at her as the light from the windows streamed over her decalage. He kissed the inside of her upper thighs. Lara Jean’s breaths increasing as he came closer. “Peter.” She let out an eager moan. His fingers danced across her entrance, already wet. He kissed it tenderly. She threw her head back and bucked her hips wanting more. He went deeper, remembering all the things that used to drive her crazy. He loved looking at her while doing this and see the pure lust racing through her body.

Just when she was getting close she begged, “Peter. Now. Please.” Her demands beyond turned him on. He reached over to his nightstand and quickly slipped on a condom. He leaned down and kissed her messily before entering her. Lara Jean moaned through the kiss. The vibrations of her lips made him go wild. He thrust into her, giving a little more each time so he hit different nerves. He grunted as he felt her bite lightly on his peck muscle. “Fuck” he moaned as he felt her begin to contract around him. He knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He placed his hands on either side of her pinning her onto the sheets.

“I’m so close. Peter. Fuck. Peter” she released. He came a few pumps later. She turned her head to the side trying to catch her breath. He leaned down and kissed her now exposed neck causing her to let out another moan. He slid down next to her, breathing heavily but smiling.

“Wow.” He smiled gleefully. “That was…wow.” He chuckled to himself and kissed her shoulder.

She kissed him happily. “I gotta pee.” She got up and threw on his sapphire colored Hawaii t shirt that was laying on the floor.

When she returned, he reached out for her to come close. “I really like this shirt. It’s soft. I may have to steal it.” She said petting the sleeves which were extra-long on her small frame. She jumped back into bed and sat crisscrossed next to him.

“But that’s my favorite shirt.” He gave her puppy dog eyes.

“I like that it smells like you.” She nuzzled her cheek to her chin.

“I smell disgusting right now. I need to hop in the shower. Wanna join?” he bit his lower lip playfully and started to make tiger sounds.

“Not if you’re gonna that.” She giggled.

He got up and went into the bathroom, wiggling his butt at her as he walked past. “Give me 5 minutes.” She smiled to herself and fell back on the bed. She felt as giddy as a little kid.

She heard the classic melodic tones of an iPhone from the other room. She got up, “If it’s your phone do you want me to get it?” she yelled out.

“Please. I’m supposed to get something from my boss about the scrimmage game later this week. You can check it. Same code.” He hollered back. She walked into the kitchen where they had both put their things down. The place seemed lighter and more airy. The world seemed that way in that moment. The sun was starting to set and filled the room with an auburn hue. She lifted her phone out of her bag. Not hers.

She grabbed his phone and began walking back into the bedroom. She opened it up, 1515, his old jersey number. She opened his Messages app. There were multiple messages from Coach Clark, who she remembered as Peter’s old coach. She read them out once she got back into the room. “Coaches meetings start at 10:30. Lunch position meetings 11:15. Must be on bus by 1. Orange & White uniforms.”

“Thank you.” He called out over the strong water pressure. She sat back on the bed and wanted to take a selfie of her so he could have this moment. LJ clicked the back button to go back to the messages and let her overwhelming curiosity take over.

She didn’t need to go down five messages to see her name appear. Daisy. The text was from earlier this morning. Her heart was telling her not to dig deeper, but her head told her she couldn’t resist. She opened it. She was suddenly stunned with how much they were corresponding. The most recent exchange from this morning.

_Daisy: Good morning_

_Peter: Hey! What’s on your agenda today? How did the interviews go yesterday?_

_Daisy - Excellent. The little boy was so cute. I’m currently taking a train into Prague. We have the day off! *dancing gif*_

_Peter: Sounds fun. I’m jealous._

_Daisy: I wish you were here with me. It’s so romantic here. I miss you so much._

_Peter: Me too._

_Daisy: Love you. Facetime soon?_

She felt her heart in her throat. She wasn’t sad. She was felt embarrassed. He lied. These weren’t texts you had with people you were broken up with. He made her trust him. He made her need him. How could he be doing this at the same time?

Peter emerged from the bathroom, towel around his waist. He kissed the side of her head. “You wanna order pizza and watch a movie tonight? We can walk a rom com, just nothing with subtitles.” he asked as he grabbed his clothes out of the drawer.

“Why did you lie?” she questioned.

“What?” he said slipping on a pair of sweats.

She showed him the phone. “You still talk with her every day, Peter. You still want to know about her day. You said you wish you were there!”

“We have been together for a while. You know as much as anyone that it’s hard to completely cut off communication.” He slid his shirt over his head. “When we broke up, you’d check in all the time.”

“For like the first few weeks.” She said slightly insulted.

“So she’s doing the same thing.”

“Peter, SHE SAID SHE FUCKING LOVES YOU!”

“I didn’t say it back.” He tried to remain calm.

“But YOU make it so she can still openly text you that. YOU don’t say it needs to stop. YOU can just stop responding. This makes me look fucking dumb.” She threw his phone onto the bed.

“You’re not dumb.” He said rubbing her arms. “I’ll stop. I promise. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

“You’re still with her, aren’t you?” she said with a croak in her voice. A heavy silence hung in the air.

“I’m out. I’ve been done and gone. She is not what I want. You are. I’ve told her I was done so many times.” 

“You never actually broke up with her though.” She said flatly shutting her eyes and turning away from him.

“I mean..” he let it hang in the air.

“DID YOU FORMALLY BREAK UP WITH HER OR NOT? IT’S A YES OR NO QUESTION.” She turned back to him with tears forming in her eyes.

“No.”

“Okay.” She said under her breath. She stripped off his shirt and rushed to put on her own clothes. She was like lightening trying to get out of the apartment.

“Lara Jean.” He yelled out behind her. “I’m so confused. Tell me what to do.” He begged.

“You didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’m the one who is getting fucking broken. You know what I’m going through. My dad, my life falling apart. You knew it all, more than anyone and you took advantage of me. You made me feel like this was safe. I can’t believe I let myself believe your fucking lies.” She grabbed her bag and made a B line to her car.

He chased after her. “Lara Jean! Lara Jean!” he tried to stop her from leaving. She slammed the door shut. He was at her passenger side window. “Please, Covey. I need you.”

She chocked back her tears and backed out of her spot, leaving him in the dust.

* * *

She needed to be drunk right now. She asked Chris to meet her at the bar. Lara Jean had already downed a shot of whisky before Chris arrived.

“Hi. Sorry I’m late. A meeting ran late and then I got stuck in traffic and you know.” She gave her friend a side hug and grabbed the drink that LJ had ordered for her. “What are we drinking to?”

“Life sucks.” She said taking another sip of her drink.

“Want to talk about it? Is it about your dad’s treatment? He started today right? Are you okay? I know it can be super emotional and draining for the care taker.”

“Actually-“ she was cut off when Chris scoffed.

“Ugh, I can’t believe she dared to show her face around here.” She shot daggers at a pretty red head who was sitting at a table with some girlfriends.

“Who?” Lara Jean asked, feeling like she would break out into tears any moment.

“Heather Olsen. Otherwise known as the woman who tried to seduce my man.”

“What? When did that happen? You never told me this.” LJ’s buzz set in.

“She tried to hook up with Ben for almost a year. She worked at the same station and would send him flirty texts and try to get on his stories so she could go out of town with him. On one trip, she basically threw herself at Ben. It’s so tacky and gross. She knows that he has a girlfriend. A long-time girlfriend.” She took a gulp of her drink. “Only the worst kind of person would do that to someone else’s relationship. I usually would never use the word whore or slut to describe someone, cause like you do you, but she’s just awful.”

“But like, what if she didn’t know? It’s not like Ben has a ring on his finger or anything.”

“Well that’s because I don’t think we need a piece of paper to prove we are in love and going to spend forever together.” She threw her hair back. “She knew what she was doing. There’s a picture of me on Ben’s desk. I went to every station event with him. It was on purpose. She’s a freaking skank who deserved all the hate she got.”

Lara Jean felt like she was about to pass out. If that’s what her best friend thought about a girl who simply tried to kiss her boyfriend, what would she think about her situation? She came to vent & get some reassurance from her best friend. Now she felt even worse. She felt completely alone. No one would understand. She loved him, or at least the idea of him. He kept saying he needed her but she was the one who needed him. She thought he was the only one who wouldn’t judge her. Her mind was scrambled. She wanted to be furious at him but just wanted to be with him now.

* * *

He opened the front door of his apartment and saw her tear stained face looking back at him.

“Hi.” He said meekly.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” she hesitated to take a step into his apartment.

“I don’t know what to say.” He replied. She stepped past him.

“I need you.” Lara Jean said holding back a sob.

He looked shocked. “Really?” he took a step closer to her.

“You’re the only person I can talk to about stuff. I feel so alone all the time, but not with you.” She rubbed her now runny nose.

“What happened?” he tried to comfort her but didn’t know if it was okay to touch her yet.

“No one gets me the way you do. I just want to feel like myself again and I feel like I have to put on something for everyone except you. Everyone just judges me and feels bad about my fucked up life and cancer dad. You treat me like a human, not a broken fucking doll. I need you just as much as you need me Peter Kavinsky and right now I don’t care if it’s wrong.”

“Are you drunk, Covey?”

“I was.” She said starting to cry again. “I got sobered up real quick thanks to Chris and the only person I needed to be with was you.”

He pulled her in for a tight hug. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

She cried into his shoulder for a moment before pulling away. “Can you just hold me tonight and we can talk about this in the morning?”

“Yes.” He kissed her forehead. “Get into bed. I’ll make you some tea and be right in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I told y'all it was gonna be messy. I'm living your your comments on this story! I am sorry for any emotional distress. Things will get better (then maybe worse again, then maybe better, you'll have to wait and see). 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:  
> Come Over – The Internet  
> Souvenir- Selena Gomez  
> Dead End – Anna Clendening  
> Now & Then -Lily Kershaw


	6. Talk, Look, or Think of You Again

They sat across from each other at his kitchen table. She decided she needed to not be in his bed for this conversation. They hadn’t slept last night. He just held her in his arms. She cried as they watched half a season of New Girl. The sun wasn’t even up yet, but Lara Jean knew they had to get this done.

“So, you need to tell me the truth. If you lie again, I will never talk, look, or think of you again.”

“I understand.” He shook his head and began. “Before she left, Daisy & I did get in a huge fight. It got really mean. We tend to bring out the worst of each other when we’re mad, yelling, name calling, all of it. We both said we were done. I even went and slept at Trevor’s for a week. It was that kind of situation. I was convinced we were done. I came back here to get some clothes and she was waiting for me. We talked. We apologized but I didn’t see that as us getting back together. We had a long, like many hours long, conversation. She was leaving for Europe the next day. She asked me to drive her. I would feel shitty saying no, so I did. I gave her a big hug at the airport and told her to stay safe. She kissed me and flew away.” He took a sip of his water, hoping this was all making sense to LJ. “About 3 weeks into her trip, she started texting. It was really just friendly, saying hi. Hoping things were okay. I guess we had different interpretations of where we left things. It was my first breakup since college. I just let it get away from me, I guess.”

Lara Jean shook her head wanting more explanation. He continued, “I think I continued it because I hate being alone because I feel abandoned from all the dad stuff. I think to overcompensate, I get attached and have a hard time letting go completely. I mean remember in high school when we broke up over me trying to still have a relationship with Gen. I should be able to not have this dumb dependency on people, but I have it. My whole life I have used other people to make me feel worthy. I think when I was with you was the closest I got to having self-worth based on me, not someone else. You made me feel confident. I genuinely didn’t think anything was going to happen that night at the bar. When you tried to kiss me, I was in shock. I just didn’t think it was even a possibility. The next day, I just wanted to hang. I missed my friend Lara Jean and you seemed like you could use someone to talk to. We used to be able to talk about everything so I didn’t think of it like that. But then when we got there, I just felt it. I think you did too. Then when we went outside, you did that thing where you smile out the one side of your mouth because you’re also biting your lip and I had to kiss you.” 

“Then why didn’t you cut off talking with Daisy at that point?”

“I think because in my dumb brain, I still didn’t see us as being in a relationship after the fight and all of that. So, I just felt like I was moving on and trying to start this thing with you. I guess I got wrapped up in this,” he motioned between LJ & himself, “and I didn’t want to stop anything good that was happening by bringing up all this. But that was me thinking about my feelings, not yours, not Daisy’s. I ended up disrespecting both of you by not giving anyone clear answers. I’m a dick.”

“You are.” She said taking a sip of her drink.

“What do you need me to do to make it okay?”

She thought for a moment. “You have to tell her now. I will stand over your shoulder and watch you do it so I know it’s done.” She looked up at the clock on the wall. “It’s Europe. She’ll be up.” She crossed her arms across her chest. “That’s the first step in me trusting you again.”

“I will.” He took his phone and tried to call her. “It sounds like it’s going to message.” He said quietly.

“Then leave a message.” She said rolling her eyes.

“Hi Daisy. It’s Peter. I’m really sorry, but I think I’ve been giving you mixed signals with us still talking and being in each other’s lives. Our fight before was the breakup to me and I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I’ve been a dick stringing you along. If you need to yell at me or talk about it, give me a call. If not, I’ll have your stuff packed up when you get back. I’m sorry. Bye.” He hung up the phone. Peter looked up at her waiting for any sign of life.

“Good.” She tapped her fingers on the table. “I’m gonna go.” She got up and grabbed her bag.

“Aren’t we going to talk more, figure this thing out?” he followed her with a sense of urgency.

“I need to go help my dad. The 2 days after chemo is usually the hardest on the body since the drugs are wearing off. I need to be there before he wakes up.” She reached the front door. “And you need to decide what you really want before we talk again. You know where I stand.”

He shook his head and watched her leave.

* * *

The rattling of the blender died down as her dad came into the family room. “Hey Dad, how are you feeling?” Lara Jean asked grabbing a glass from the cabinets.

“I’m pretty bruised up kiddo.” He said sitting down in his favorite reading chair. “I’m having a wicked headache. Can you get me a Tylenol?”

She came over with a smoothie for him and rested the back of her hand on his forehead. “You don’t have a fever, so yes. Dr. Poppy told me no Tylenol if you have fever because that could technically be covering up something bigger.”

“Well good day for me then.” He took a sip of his green smoothie. “I feel like there is a better way to eat spinach.”

“Well good because this is full of kale.” She said coming back from the kitchen with the medicine for her dad. “Plus, since Trina told me you usually can’t stomach a whole lot on the first day, a smoothie with a crazy straw it is.” She smiled at him.

“Thank you darlin.” he smiled and laid back in his chair. “How was your thing with Chris yesterday?”

“Fine.” She said quickly not to harp on the horror of her previous night. “Same old Chris.” She said picking up one of her novels from the coffee table.

“Good. Did you crash at hers last night?”

“Um, yeah. I didn’t want to drive home after the bar.” She lied.

“I’m glad you have her. She tells the truth. She should come over for dinner soon. All your friends should come. Have a little barbeque or something to make you feel like you actually live here.”

“We don’t need to. They are all so busy and”

“You’re friends are your friends, they will make a point to come see you, and me.” He smiled back at her. “Pull the cancer dad card and they’ll be here in 3 minutes. Works like a charm.”

“Dad!” she half laughed. “I’ll text them about it and see when works.”

“Fabulous.” He said taking a deep breath. “Now give me 15 more minutes of silence while the Tylenol hits and we can watch a movie.”

* * *

The next day, Lara Jean was baking her dad’s favorite granola bars. He had barely eaten for the last 36 hours and the fact he had a craving for food was a good sign. There was a knock on the door. Dr. Covey began to start getting up.

“Dad, stop, I got it.” She smiled and walked to the door.

“Hi.” A middle-aged man in a long-sleeved maroon shirt. “Are you Lara Jean Covey?”

“That’s me.” She smiled back.

“These are for you.” He handed over a vase filled with white & pink bouquet of roses & peonies.

“Oh, thank you.” She smiled big. “Have a great day.” She said closing the door behind her. She walked back into the main room. She put them down on the kitchen island.

“Wow.” Trina turned around admiring the bouquet. “That’s gorgeous.”

Lara Jean found the card.

_You. Only you._

_-PK_

She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. She closed the card and held it against her chest for a moment. He still had work to do, but gifts were her love language so she wanted to savor this moment.

* * *

About two weeks later, the house was filled with life & baby laughs. Dr. Covey sat in his favorite chair with baby Billie sat on his lap. Trevor and his wife Rachel sat on the couch across from them. Trevor leaned forward telling Dr. C every detail about his baby girl. “She’s obsessed with avocado. She will eat it, morning, noon, and night if we let her.”

“Those are good. Lots of healthy fats.” He nodded to Trevor. “And it makes a mess for you, I bet.” He bounced the baby up and down, making her smile. “Mess, mess, mess.”

“I considered painting my kitchen green just to make up for it.” Rachel smiled and walked into the kitchen where Lara Jean and Trina were putting the finishing touches on the food. “Do you guys need anything? I needed to get away from,” she motioned back to Trevor & Dr. C, “that.”

Lara Jean laughed. “I think we’re mostly good. Just waiting for a few things to come out of the oven.” She smiled. Rachel was Trevor’s college sweetheart. They met in freshman year English and Trevor was wrapped around her finger. Before Lara Jean and Peter broke up sophomore year, she and Rachel used to hang out when the boys went to practice and always had a buddy at the world-famous lacrosse parties. She had a strong jawline with her curly red hair chopped off just below her chin.

“Trev was so nervous about coming today. He really wanted to impress your dad that he’s a good dad.” She looked back at them and smiled.

“He’s a great dad. When I ran into him, the first thing he did was flash me his phone to show me pictures.”

Rachel blushed. “He’s a good one, even if he takes 400 photos a day. That boy is a damn paparazzi.”

“Paparazzi? Oh! No pictures please?” Chris acted over dramatically coming into the kitchen holding a bottle of wine.

“Just one for your adoring fans?” Lara Jean retorted pretending to flash a camera in her face before grabbing her friend for a hug. “Hi Ben!” she said giving Chris’s boyfriend a quick hug.

Everyone was mingling, having small talk about Ben’s travels (he just got back from the middle of nowhere Florida) and Trina’s newest client. Lara Jean was enjoying her people have fun as she poured sauce over the chicken in the kitchen.

“Hi stranger.” She heard him sneak up next to her. She smiled at Peter and gave him a hug. She took a sip of her wine and offered him one. “Sure. I haven’t come in your front door in so long.” She nearly choked. His face went beet red.

“Hey Peter Kavinsky.” Chris yelled out from the family room. “Have you seen this cute baby? I feel like you would be into baby stuff.”

He smiled at Lara Jean before walking into the room where everyone else was hanging out. “You know I love my goddaughter!” he went over and gave the baby a kiss on the top of her head.

“How’d the extra practice go yesterday?” Rachel asked.

“Fine.” He said shortly. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t watch her. I will make it up to you next week for sure. You remember how Coach was right before season starts.” He took a deep breath and looked back at Lara Jean. He had snuck out of babysitting to meet Lara Jean at Trina’s office. LJ had started working there a few hours a week to feel like a “productive member of society” when her dad was feeling well enough to be alone. They had ended up making out in Peter’s car, nothing strange to either of them. They both got a rush out of hooking up in crazy places. They had both decided to not tell their friends and family about whatever this is, at least not while they were still figuring it out. They wanted to give their relationship a chance to grow into something before getting everyone else involved.

In the days following the flowers, Peter & Lara Jean had started communicating again. It was flirty and friendly, neither one of them crossing that line. Peter begged for her to come over, she said she couldn’t. Instead they talked for hours on Facetime, getting to know each other again. Lara Jean thought this distance she created would make them build a foundation, rather than jumping right into the waters.

Four nights later, Peter couldn’t take it anymore. He climbed up to her window. “What are you doing here?” she said opening it for him. She was elated he was there but knew she wasn’t totally ready to jump back in.

“I couldn’t stay away anymore.” He smiled and hoisted himself up to kiss her. She broke the kiss and allowed him to get into the room. “Is this okay?” he said wanting to respect her boundaries.

She stood for a moment. “No funny business, but I’ll allow it.” She smiled. “You could have used the front door though.”

“I kinda like feeling like we’re sneaking around. It’s hot. ” He winked and put his strong arms around her. 

“Has Daisy called you back yet?” she said into his chest.

“Not yet. She’s seen the text I sent her to make sure she was okay. Thank you read receipts. But no word from her.”

“I wouldn’t want to talk to you either if you broke up with me over answering machine.”

He pulled back. “Good to know.” He smiled and held her in his arms.

* * *

The 9 of them gathered around the Covey’s large outdoor dining table. They were in a heated debate about the last season of Game of Thrones after they finished the meal. Chris and Ben were convinced it was trash but Trevor and Dr. C were trying their hardest to convince them it was actually really deep and meaningful.

Lara Jean got up and started clearing the plates. “Oh, let me help.” Trina began to get up.

“Oh, I’ll help her.” Peter said jumping to his feet and picking up some of the larger serving trays. “Thanks.” She smiled at him as she grabbed more plates.

“Everything was so good, LJ” Ben complimented as she picked up his plate and brought it into the kitchen. Peter followed behind and put them down next to the sink. “You didn’t have to help. You’re a guest.” She looked up at him sweetly.

“I know.” He said wiping things off the plates into the trash. “But I wouldn’t get a chance to tell you how hot you look in that dress.” He whispered into her ear.

She blushed and watched him go back outside to get more plates. She began scrubbing the plates in the sink and putting them into the dishwasher. He came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her middle. “Are you going to keep your window open for me tonight?”

She relaxed into him “This doesn’t feel so private, Kavinsky. Everyone we don’t want to know is 25 feet away. Are you planning on leaving then coming back? You just started using the front door.”

He kissed her cheek before letting go. “I can use the back if you prefer?” Lara Jean broke out into a fit of giggles and threw her extra sponge at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We had to tear it down to build it back again. 
> 
> Chapter Playlist: 
> 
> Unmiss You - Clara Mae  
> Not Your Friend - Landon Austin  
> always, ill care - Jeremy Zucker  
> peace - Taylor Swift


	7. Doing Enough

The Jeep slowly came to a stop in front of the Covey house. He looked over at her and smirked. “You look really pretty right now.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’ve told me that like twenty times since we got to Trevor’s.”

“Well you keep acting like you don’t believe it, so burning it into your brain seems to be the best course of action.” He reached over and kissed her hand.

“I had fun tonight.” She smiled at him and leaned back against her seat. “Do you think they know?”

“Rachel knows about everything before it even happens, so probably.”

“Have you told them about the official break up though? Does they think I’m some horrible floozy or something?”

“No, grandma. They love you. Plus, I slept on their couch after the fight remember.”

“Right…” she took a breath. “Well that’s good.”

“Plus, there was so many people there that I don’t think they even noticed when we snuck off to….”

“Peter.” She blushed and put her hands in her lap. “I’m really nervous about tomorrow.” She said softly.

“Your dad’s appointment?” he asked. She nodded and continued. “I just hope it’s working. Trina and my dad said that he’s been feeling better this round of chemo but who knows if that means it’s working, ya know.”

“I mean I don’t have first-hand experience in that, but I get the anxiety of waiting.” He tried get her to smile. “And if I know anything about you, you’re probably really in your head about this because that’s what you do. But I’m here for you when you need me, and even times when you don’t think you do. I’ll be here.” He reached over and kissed her cheek.

Lara Jean smiled hard. _How did he know just the right thing to say?_ “You wanna come up?”

“No. Not tonight.” He looked ahead at his steering wheel before looking over at her. “Tonight, I am going to walk you to your door and say goodnight, like a real date.”

Lara Jean blushed and felt butterflies flying out of her body. “Okay.” She said sweetly as she felt her heart beating out of her chest. They had continued to see each other in secret for the past weeks. This was Peter’s first time wanting it to be public, even if it was just at her front door. They had gone on dates but out of town so no one they knew would see them.

She swung her legs out of the car after he opened the door for her. He interlaced his fingers with hers. LJ admired how his big warm hands usurped hers. They walked up the front steps and turned to each other.

“I had the best time.” He smiled, letting go of her hands.

“Me too. Does this mean I’m getting a second date?” she giggled.

“Only if this goes well.” He chuckled and pulled her close for an affectionate good night kiss. His hands sculpted her face while she threw her arms around his neck. The kiss was perfect and sweet. Nothing too racy in case someone where to see them on the Covey’s quiet street.

Peter was the one to break away. “If I don’t leave now, I’m not leaving.” His forehead was pushed against hers. He bit his lip.

“You were the one who said you didn’t want to come up.” She took a deep breath trying to regain her composure. She always felt wrapped in him whenever they touched.

“I’ll text you tomorrow.” He said stepping away. His hands ran down her entire arm causing goosebumps to form over her entire body. She nodded and watched him get in the car and drive away. She smiled so hard her shoulders reached her ears.

* * *

“Well I wish I had better news.” Dr. Poppy leaned forward in her light blue arm chair. In that moment, Lara Jean heard static rushing through her thoughts. She couldn’t believe his treatment wasn’t working. She looked at her dad and Trina. Dad was uncharacteristically stoic. He just looked like he was trying to remember what to get at the grocery store, not hearing that this round of chemo was not working. Trina sniffles broke Lara Jean out of her trance. Trina’s eyes were red and she was blinking trying to keep the tears in. Trina always said her role was being strong for her dad; sometimes that meant not being able to feel her emotions.

“So, our next best step is surgery. We can see if we can get some of the bone marrow that is still holding onto the cancer cells. I think we should try to do it as soon as possible. How are you feeling about it, Dr. Covey?”

“We’ll do what we have to do.” He said blinking. Lara Jean sat on an opposite arm chair wanting to burst out sobbing. Her dad was stronger than she had even thought.

“Great.” Dr. Poppy said with an assuring smile. “I know I have something open at the end of the week. Would that work or do you need more time to think it over with Trina & the family?”

LJ watched her dad turn to Trina who was rubbing his arm lightly. She nodded at him and he took a deep breath. He turned to LJ. She felt completely overwhelmed. “We’re with you.” She managed to get out with only a slight voice crack. “We’ll call Margo & Kitty tonight and let them know.”

Dr. C nodded at her and turned back to the doctor to schedule his surgery.

* * *

“Why haven’t you made the arrangement for his after care yet?” Margo asked sitting at the kitchen table the next evening.

“Because Dr. Poppy said we didn’t have to until after because he is going to have to spend some time in the hospital after the surgery anyway.” LJ tucked her hair behind her ears trying to stand up to her older sister. She had always looked up to Margo. She always had it all together. LJ was putting it together as she went. The friction drove both of them to a breaking point.

“That means you’re not going to get the best home care nurse, you’ll be stuck with whoever is left.” She started typing furiously into her computer. “I can’t believe you’re not working and still so behind on this.” Margo murmured under her breath.

“You know what Margo, I am doing my fucking best right now. This is hard on all of us and I am doing what the doctor is telling me to do. I’m sorry that isn’t fitting in with your idea of how our father’s cancer surgery is supposed to go, but I am trying to trust the medical professionals. In case you forgot, I’m the one that is taking him to appointments. I am the one who is making sure he takes every medicine and drinks the green smoothies he hates because its what’s best for him. You are living your great life with Ravi. I’m here trying to help everyday so I would appreciate if you would keep your fucking opinions about that I am not doing enough to yourself.”

Margo was taken aback. Wordlessly, she got up from the table and walked up the stairs to her room. Lara Jean sulked for a moment. Her perfect sister wasn’t the one in charge for once and got mad at LJ for trying to step up and take care of the family. Margo took over that duty so well after their mom passed and probably was just trying to process it in her own way but she didn’t need to take it out on LJ sat down at the kitchen island with her head in her hands.

* * *

Lara Jean rubbed her eyes as they sat in the hospital room before he dad went in for surgery. She hadn’t slept since fighting with Margo last night. She had to pick Kitty up from the airport at 4AM so she thought there was no point in sleeping. She looked over at her sisters who were watching a video on Kitty’s phone. Her dad was in a hospital gown, holding Trina’s hand. She watched as he gently rubbed his thumb along the arches of her hand.

Her phone buzzed. Another text from Peter. He had been texting her all morning but she had to be focused on her dad right now. She put her phone in her bag and tried to get comfortable in the chair.

Before long, a nurse & the doctor came in to bring him into the surgery room. Lara Jean fought back tears as she hugged and kissed her dad before he was rolled off into the unknown.

“He’s going to be fine, right Lara Jean?” Kitty asked seeing the nervousness of LJ’s face.

“You know Dad.” She faked a smile trying to instill some confidence in herself & younger sister. Kitty shook her head and went back into her phone.

* * *

About an hour later, Lara Jean walked outside the hospital to get fresh air. They had arrived before the sun had even thought about coming up. She took in the day, overcast & windy. She pulled her long cardigan that made her feel like Stevie Knicks around her and turned the corner to walk to the bakery down the street. The coffee at the hospital still lingered in her mouth & the hospital pastries were not going to cut it.

She walked in and picked out one of everyone’s favorite. A chocolate croissant for Kitty, coconut macaroons for Margo, cinnamon roll from Trina. She grabbed some extra goodies for picking on. It seemed like they were going to be here for a while and sweet treats were Lara Jean’s love language. She was hoping to use the goodies as an olive branch to Margo who had barely said a word to her since the argument last night.

She was approaching the hospital when she saw him. “Peter?”

He turned with a white box in his hands. “Hi.” He jogged over to her and pulled her into a hug. “How’d it go?”

“He’s still in surgery. I just needed to get out of there for a second.” She tried to smile up at him but felt like she was about to cry. “Sorry.” She sniffled.

“You can cry all you want Covey.” He rubbed her back. “I went to the bakery across town and got stuff for everyone. Thought it may help with the waiting. I know how much the Coveys love their sweets.”

“You did?” she pulled back with her own box of goodies in hand.

“Yeah.” He held up a large brown paper bag. “I see you just covered that though.” He tried to crack a joke.

“Brilliant minds.” She half smiled, still anxious and in her head. “Can you come over tonight? His surgery will be over in an hour or two but I don’t think I can sleep alone tonight.”

He nodded and gave her a quick kiss on the top of her forehead. She took in his smell and wished she could hide away in his lacrosse sweatshirt right now. “Do you want to come up?” she asked him, not wanting him to leave.

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea.” He said plainly. “I guessing you need some sister time & I’m thinking that you haven’t explained us to them yet. I don’t think you need to do that here. You’ve got more important things to focus on right now.” He rubbed her arms.

She nodded and took the bag from him. “I’ll text you about later.” He nodded gave her one more hug and walked back to the parking garage.

She entered back into the waiting room where her family was posted up. “Yes. LJ coming in clutch. How much stuff did you get?” Kitty reacted to the sheer amount of baked goods her older sister balanced in her hands.

“I needed air and there is a good bakery down the street. Guess I went a little overboard.” She tried to smile, especially at Margo who was still in her own world. Lara Jean took out one coconut macaroon out of the box and sat down next to her sister as Trina and Kitty perused the selection.

“Peace offering.” She held it up to her sister. “Last night was rough. I think we’re all so stressed and worried about Dad.”

Margo looked at her blankly for a moment. “I just feel guilty for not being here.” She said under her breath. She took the macaroon from LJ’s hand.

“Oh my god, I wish you were here too. Margo, I have no idea what I am doing. I am just doing whatever the doctor tells me to do. You would have it all figured out with a system & have every medical professional on speed dial. I am winging it all.”

“You’re doing a great job, Lara Jean. You really stepped up for all of us. I don’t know what I would do without you. I just am so used to being the one to taking care of everyone that this powerless feeling is making me an insane person. I’m sorry for being a bitch last night.”

Lara Jean reached over and gave her sister a hug. “I get it. Water off a duck’s back.” She smiled at her sister who wiped away a tear.

* * *

After the day at the hospital, the Covey girls arrived back at home. Their dad had woken up from surgery but they wouldn’t know if it was ultimately successful for another day or two. He had to stay for observation. Lara Jean was exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally.

Her sisters & step mom wanted to order pizza but LJ was too tired. “I’m going to bed. I didn’t sleep last night. I need to pass out.” She said making her way up the stairs.

She immediately crashed down on her bed. She felt like she was never going to move a muscle again. She felt her phone buzz and threw it on her nightstand without even looking at it. She quickly drifted off.

* * *

A few hours later, she rubbed her eyes open to a loud thud. She sat up and looked around quickly. She saw Peter’s face staring at her through the window. She slowly got up and opened it up. “Hi.” She said sleepily.

“You never called or texted.” He half smiled at her while throwing his leg into her room. “I thought I’d just come. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. I passed out. Exhaustion, I guess.” She gave him a hug and relaxed into his chest.

“Understandably.” He said petting her head. “How’s your dad doing?”

“He’s awake and there for monitoring. They won’t know anything for another day or so.” She pulled back and sat down on her bed, a bit defeated.

He stood in front of her. “Take my hand.” He held out of worn big hands to her. She took them, tears forming in her eyes. She had been holding it in for everyone else but felt like she could finally let it out with him. “Take a breath with me.” He took in a big deep breath and kissed her hands. She copied him

“I’m so worried about everything and it feels like it’s all falling on me. Margo yelled at me last night and told me I wasn’t doing enough and even though she apologized it keeps ringing in my head. I’ve been on this spiral and I’m trying to keep it cool for everyone else but I am failing.” She was blubbering crying by the end of her monologue.

He rubbed her hands. He didn’t say anything for a while and just let her cry. “I think you are doing a great job.” He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “For whatever its worth.”

“Thanks but you have never had to deal with a parent dying and everyone assuming it’s your fault.”

“I did blame myself for my dad leaving if that falls in the same category.”

“No. At least you can go talk to your dad, if you weren’t so scared.”

He pulled back. “Harsh.” He looked like someone had just slapped him across his heart.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” She said rolling her eyes at him. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I swear I didn’t mean it.”

“But you said it. Like really fast.” He bit the inside of his cheek. She tried to reach out to him, but he didn’t reach back. “I know you’re going through a lot, but you don’t say something like that unless you mean it.”

“Peter, stop. Just give me this one night, please.” She reached out to him and pulled him next to her on his bed. He put his arms around her and pulled her in tight.

“Sorry.” he said giving her a kiss on the cheek. They laid there for a while in silence. The air felt heavy.

“I don’t want to fight.” She said quietly.

“I didn’t come here to fight.” He said plainly. “I came because I thought you needed me.”

“Well we’re fighting now aren’t we.” She rolled her eyes. “And I don’t need you.”

He pulled his arm away from her. “Aren’t you the one who came crying to me saying you needed me? You made me do all this shit that made my life harder for you and I’m just supposed to take you being bitchy with me?” he sat up.

“You’re blaming you using me to cheat on your finance as my fault?” she was shocked and stood up. “That is bullshit. You are the one that lied about it or didn’t tell me or whatever wording you need to say to make yourself feel better.”

“I thought we worked through this.” He said rubbing his head. “I think you’re overreacting.”

“I’m not overreacting to anything.” She started to get heated. “I’m the one who you won’t even take on a date inside our town because you’re so nervous about being seen with me.”

“I DID THAT FOR YOU SO YOU WOULDN’T GET LOOKED AT LIKE A WHORE FOR BREAKING PEOPLE UP.”

“AND YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PUT ME IN THAT SITUATION!” she yelled back.

Peter backed away and headed for the window. “I don’t want to have this argument when all this is happening right now. I should have just let you sleep.”

“YOU’RE BACKING OUT OF THIS BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. IT’S A REAL ASSHOLE MOVE.” Tears were rushing down her face as her rage bubbled up inside of her.

“I’m not backing out, Lara Jean. Nothing is going to get done when you’re like this. Let me call you in the morning and we can talk like adults.” He tried to go to her to give her a hug. She let him hug her but kept her body stiff. He pulled away and went towards the window. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

LJ turned as she heard a knock on her door. “So much for being there.” She grumbled quietly.

“You okay Lara Jean?” she heard Kitty’s voice ring out. She waiting until Peter’s head disappeared from view before answering. “Just watching a movie. Sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Had some dumb things going on that kept me from writing. Another chapter will hopefully be coming your way before this weekend since I basically word vomitted a chapter and a half!   
> Also: vote.org  
> Thanks for reading & your patience! 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:   
> Sweet Creature - Harry Styles  
> Hold My Girl - George Ezra  
> The Subway Song - Delacey


	8. Panic in the Parking Lot

Kitty plopped down in Lara Jean’s car. “Can I pick the playlist? I need something with optimism and energy if I’m gonna get through another day of sitting at the hospital. No offense to your sad indie girl songs.”

She put her phone down in the cup holder and gave her sister a look. “Cord is right there.” Kitty took it and plugged in her phone. “Thank you. I think I’m in the mood for some old One Direction.” She scrolled on her phone before hitting a song. The music was booming. Kitty started to sing & dance along. She looked over at her sister who had just backed out of the driveway. “You know you love this song.” She nudged her.

“Guess I’m not in the mood for a love song right now.” She said staring straight ahead at the road.

“What does that mean? Are you seeing someone? I know you broke up with dumb ass Ryan, but are you still sad about him?”

“Not sad about Ryan.” She shook her head. She hadn’t even thought of his name in over a month.

“Was that the sound I heard in your room last night? Was it about a boy?”

“Kitty I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Fine.” Kitty sat back and crossed her arms and glanced out the window. A ping rang out from LJ’s phone. Like a gazelle, Kitty grabbed it before Lara Jean could even react. “Can you stop?” Lara Jean whined.

“Why is Peter Kavinsky texting you at 7AM?” Kitty was a mix of concern & excitement.

“I really don’t want to talk about it.” Lara Jean said grabbing her phone and placing it in her lap.

“Was that who was in your room last night? I knew the voice was familiar. I thought he we like engaged or something though. I mean I haven’t talked to Owen for a while but I feel like I would know—”

“STOP IT!” Lara Jean bellowed and pulled the car into a random parking lot. She put the car in park and got out. She walked back and forth. The air was cool and LJ wrapped her arms around herself trying to settle down.

Kitty got out of the car and ran over to her sister. “What’s going on? You are not okay right now.”

“Everything is happening at once and I can’t fucking do it Kitty. I’m not enough for anyone, nothing is improving, I fucked everything up. I just…. FUCK.” She ran her hands through her hair. “I feel like I am about to explode and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Kitty held her shoulders and held Lara Jean’s gaze until her heart rate slowed. “One, two, three.” She said slowly in a clam tone. “Do it with me. One. Two. Three.” Lara Jean followed instructions and felt her heart rate come down. She launched into her sisters’ arms and gave her a hug.

“You are so much more than enough, Lara Jean.” She said rubbing her back. “Whatever is happening with—whatever is happening, you will get through it. You always have. That’s why I’ve looked up to you for all these years.”

Lara Jean pulled back, her face red and plump from the tears. “Thank you, Kitty.”

“Now hand over the keys and I can drive you home or to the hospital, your choice.” The youngest Covey girl put out her hands.

“Hospital.” She rubbed her nose and eyes. “I just need to not look like I just had a panic attack.”

“I have powder foundation in my bag, free of charge.” She smiled at her sister. “And if you need to me give a shit talk to a certain person, I would also be happy to do that free of charge.”

* * *

Lara Jean sat in silence with Trina in the waiting room. They only allowed so many people in Dr. C’s room at once and they both agreed that Margo & Kitty needed some check-up time with their dad. Lara Jean’s phone buzzed again.

“I knew you were cool but, I didn’t know you were that popular.” Trina looked up and smirked at LJ.

“Sorry. I should just turn it off at this point.” She fumbled with her phone trying to avoid even seeing one of his many messages.

“You don’t have to.” She smiled and put down the gardening magazine she had picked up from the waiting room coffee table. “You can talk about him if you want.”

“What?” she said darting her eyes to meet Trina’s.

“Peter.” She said nonchalantly. “I know something is going on with you two. I could sense something at that dinner we had. Your dad was the one who actually brought it up. I think he got the garden lattice updated just for him.”

“I can’t believe you knew and didn’t say anything.” She blushed putting her hands around her face.

“I knew you’d spill when you were ready. I have learned to never rush a Covey girl. The consequences may be too harsh to bare.” She tried to lighten the mood.

“I just don’t even get how we got here.” Lara Jean rolled her eyes at her own comment.

“I’m all ears if you need to explain it.” She turned to Lara Jean and gave her an assuring smile.

For the next hour, Lara Jean spilled every pain staking detail of what had happened with Peter for the past month. From the innocent coffee to learning about Daisy & even the fight last night. Trina followed along actively listening but giving LJ the space, she needed to get out her feelings. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Okay.” Trina said taking a sip of her tea. “I think I get it. Like really get it.” She tossed her hair behind her shoulders. “I can totally understand the pull of your first love. Hell, I married mine once upon a time. It’s this thing that things were simpler then and all you had to deal with was them and the occasional math test, right?” she smiled. “I think your first real love, whether you have it at 16 or 30 will always have that status in your heart. Sounds like you didn’t expect any of the feelings to be this intense this fast, but it sounds like you still really love him. I mean how could you not, he’s still gorgeous. He has a good job. He’s nice to his mom. What more could a girl ask for? I think when you’re going through this crazy hard time with your dad that you want to take comfort in the things, and I guess people, you know. He is that for you.” She took another sip. “The cheating stuff is rough stuff. You obviously didn’t know about it or you would have never done anything. You made him decide which is a bad ass move on your part, but it sounds like he’s still only like ¾ of the way in the door while you have moved in and mounted a TV on the wall, you know what I mean?” LJ sighed and nodded. “I think you are right to be mad and frustrated. I would also say that it seems like you are both circling the real reason you are having problems but not actually dealing with them. It’s like no one wants to have to talk about the hard stuff so you poke at it but not pop the bubble.”

“That makes sense.” Lara Jean replied uncrossing her legs. “But how do I do that after I was such a dick to him last night?”

“You had a little bit of a right to be an asshole last night. You both overreacted. I think his mind was in the right place to let you have space, he is just a man and said it insanely horribly.” She shook her head. “Wait a day. Calm down. I think your emotions are too high right now. At this level, the moment you see him you’d either make out or slap him and neither would solve your problem. I think arrange a time to talk and actually tell him that it’s still bothering you. You achieve nothing if you are trying to be the cool girl, when you are not. I mean, I think you’re the coolest, but not in the aloof, manic pixie dream girl way.” She smiled. “I think you lay it all out there and both of you have to decide, like _really_ decide if this is what makes you both happy. I would hate to see you get so invested in someone who’s not just as invested as you. You told me he’s said it but to me, his actions aren’t lining up.

“Thank you, Trina.” She said picking at the hem of her leggings.

* * *

The next day Lara Jean sat waiting for sat in the hospital with Margo & her dad. Margo and her dad were debating about the best kind of ice cream. Margo stood strong in her assertion that cookies and cream was the ultimate fan favorite. Dr. Covey was trying his best to convince his eldest child that chocolate ice cream could not be beat. “You don’t get the same richness from the bits.”

“I think I agree with Margo on this one. Especially with a really rich vanilla bean base.” She joined in.

“The taste level is exquisite in this one.” Margo winked at her.

LJ began to feel almost normal again. She was surrounded by her family. The doctor had told her family that things were looking good. Her dad was going to be released later that day. He still had to go in for some treatment but Dr. Poppy seemed optimistic. The only thing left unsettled was her fight with Peter. She looked down at her phone. Almost 50 unread texts from him. She scrolled through the messages. Mostly just asking her to call or text her. Begging her to come over. She thought for a moment before finally responding.

_I’m sorry. I’m ready to talk. I’ll come over tomorrow after your run. I love you._

* * *

With a box of cookies in hand, Lara Jean walked up the steps to Peter’s converted factory apartment. She helped bring her dad home from the hospital last night and needed to bake to get the remaining stress out of her system. The smell of cinnamon sugar hit her nose as she knocked on his metal boarded door.

She stepped back, thinking about how she was going to feel the moment she saw him for the first time since their fight. Would he smile? Would he be furious? A million possibilities flashed through her mind. She came back to earth when she heard the click of the door.

“Hello?” A different voice answered the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Playlist :   
> Happily- One Direction  
> Mean It - Gracie Abrams   
> Pink Sky Moon – Joe Brooks


	9. The Other Girl

** Lara Jean’s POV **

“Hello?” A naturally beautiful woman stood in front of her with a slight smile.

Lara Jean stood shocked. It was Daisy. She looked identical to her pictures. Her shoulder length dirty blonde bob shined even when it looked messy. LJ knew she had to say something. “Um, hi.”

“Hi.” Daisy clicked her lips waiting for LJ to say something. “Can I help you with something?” she gave a small genuine smile.

Lara Jean shook her head while examining her. She was taller than expected, definitely a few inches taller than her. A blue t shirt hung over her slim frame. It was one of Lara Jean’s favorites of Peter’s. She could remember the feel of the sleeves and the smell of Peter’s sweat all over it. She snapped out of her haze while she tried to keep her cool. “Yes. Um. I am looking for Peter Kavinsky.”

“He’s not here right now. He went out on a run. I can take anything you have for him though.” She motioned to the box in LJ’s hands. Her voice was low but comforting. Lara Jean’s body filled with jealousy. Daisy was the cool girl that Lara Jean always wanted to be. Of course Peter loved her.

She looked down trying to keep the tears from streaming down her face. “Oh, yeah. It’s some, uh, cookies. It’s not a big deal. Yeah.”

“Wow. I can already smell them from here. I’m sure he will love them. Thank you so much for delivering them. Shit. I don’t have any cash to tip you though. Do you accept Venmo or anything?” she patted her body and sleep shorts for a wallet. “I was just in Europe for 5 months so I have no US cash.”

She felt her stomach in her throat and tried to choke it down. “Don’t worry about it.” She cringed internally. Why was she going along with this? She extended her arms towards her, feeling like if she wasn’t out of there soon, she would throw up. Daisy reached out to the box.

Lara Jean almost dropped everything when she saw it. The sparkly ring that sat on her left ring finger. It looked vintage, maybe from his mom’s store. It was dainty and beautiful, like Daisy. She was still wearing the ring after Peter’s phone call breaking up with her. LJ was in shock. _When did she get back? What was happening?_ Her brain went fuzzy. She felt like she was about to pass out or have a panic attack. 

“Oh gosh.” Daisy tried to play off their exchange. “Thank you so much. Does he have like a standing order with you? It’s kind of weird to get cookies on a Tuesday morning, but Peter’s got such a sweet tooth.”

Lara Jean nodded and played with the sleeves of her oversized cardigan. “Have a nice day.” She tried to fake a smile but immediately sniffled her nose to keep the tears that were already welled up in her eyes from falling.

“Thank you!” Daisy yelled out as Lara Jean high tailed it down the stairs. She got into the car and sat in silence. Tears were falling down like waterfalls over her face. She couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. They just kept coming. She felt like her heart had been thrown away in the dumpster out back.

She finally started the car but had to stop before she even got out of the parking lot. Her eyes were too cloudy. She tried to stop her heart from beating a million miles a minute. She remembered what Kitty had done with her. “One, two, three. One, two, three.” She said to herself over and over again.

She was startled by a knock on her window. Peter. She stared forward, not knowing what to do with him.

“Lara Jean.” He projected with anxiety in his voice. “Please.”

She wiped away more of her tears. “I can’t.” she said through the closed window.

“She came back super last night. This morning really. Unexpectedly. No notice. I wasn’t going to tell her she couldn’t stay in her own apartment. I slept on the couch.”

“She’s still wearing the ring.” LJ mumbled softly.

“WHAT?” he yelled out, not being able to make out what she said.

“SHE IS STILL WEARING HER ENGAGEMENT RING PETER!”

“SHE IS?” he scrunched his face.

A million thoughts were swirling in her head. _Was he lying? Telling the truth? Had he even noticed the ring if she just got home? Was he messing with her the whole time?_ A mix of rage & depression rose over her. “Fuck you.” was all she could say before driving off.

She sped down the city streets and just kept driving. She couldn’t go home right now. It reminded her too much of him. She didn’t know where to go. She drove circles around the city center. She was trying to shake out of this, hoping it was all just a bad dream.

She ended up parking at a local park. She got out of the car and sat down on a grassy spot. The sun was fully up at the point. It was uncharacteristically warm for fall. She picked at a few strands of grass as she tried to process what just happened.

The shock of it all was slowly drifting away. She was there. In his shirt. **Wearing the ring**. She knew he could be telling the truth but she just kept doubting him at every turn. Why hadn’t Peter given her a heads up about this? A simple text telling her that she was there or to meet somewhere else could have changed everything. How could he be so careless about the whole thing? Trina’s words about him not being as serious about this as she was ran though her head.

After begging to talk to her, how could be forget to tell her this HUGE thing. It didn’t seem right. I didn’t seem like him. LJ was confused and sad. She rubbed her temples and tried to breathe in the crisp air. She looked at her phone. 3 voicemails from Peter. She couldn’t stand to listen to his voice right now. She slid her phone back in her pocket and tried to turn off her thoughts.

**Peter’s POV**

Peter heard the click of his front door. He swiftly got up and reached for the lacrosse stick close to his bed. He had only been asleep for an hour or two. His mind was still racing about talking to Lara Jean tomorrow morning, well in about 4 hours. He said things he didn’t believe. He said things because he was hurt. He knew the things he said would hurt her, even if they left his mouth before he was fully aware of that. 

He crept in his bedroom and quietly opened up the door that lead to the hallway. He heard commotion in the kitchen. He puffed up his shoulders and yelled out. “ANYONE IN THERE BETTER KNOW I HAVE A WEAPON AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!” He rounded the end of the hallway and yelled.

A familiar figure stood there staring back at him with a shocked look on her face. He dropped the stick. “Daisy?”

“Hi.” She looked down at the stick. “We’re you about to attack me with that?”

“What? What is happening right now?” He looked around the main room and saw her multiple bags near the couch.

“I’m back.” She swung her arms across her body and met her shoulder and her chin.

“Why?” he said still in a bit of a daze.

“Well that’s not the way a girl wants to be greeted.” She rolled her eyes. “The movie was done filming, so I flew back.”

“You didn’t think to give me a heads up or anything?”

“Sorry. I just wanted to get home and booked the soonest flight back to the States.” She shrugged. “I really didn’t think you’d mind. I actually thought you’d be a little more excited to see me.” She gave him a flirty smile.

“I’m happy you’re safe and stuff, but you got my message, right?”

“I did and I don’t think you get to make that decision on your own.” She stepped towards him. “We’re freaking engaged Peter. One fight and a few nights on someone else’s couch are just a bump in the road.”

“Not for me.” He stepped back and walked to the other side of the kitchen island. “We were done before you left. I thought we talked about it.”

“Peter.” She looked at him lovingly. “We talked but then when we kissed at the airport, and I still felt it. Then when we started talking again, I just thought we had moved on from it. My love for you has never gone away, Peter. I met a lot of dudes while in Europe, I tried to move on with some, but it wasn’t you.”

“I broke up with you in that message. I made it pretty clear.” He said in a clam voice while trying to wrap his brain around her logic.

“I assumed it was because we just hadn’t been together in such a long time. Your Facetimes stopped and I just didn’t feel as connected. It was so early your time. It almost sounded like you were drunk or something. I just let it go and knew I’d be seeing you soon.” She tried to reach out for him.

“Daisy. I meant it on the phone. I was done after that fight when I slept on Trevor’s couch for a week and made it clear on that call.”

“But we had that talk afterwards when you came home. And you talked about the future and--” She reiterated.

“I’m seeing someone.” He stated firmly knowing that would shut her up.

“Excuse me?” he said blinking wildly.

“I’m seeing someone. We started seeing each other almost 2 months ago. It’s serious. I love her.” He became alert, realizing that he hadn’t said that out loud yet.

“Okay…” Daisy was frozen in her tracks. “That changes things.” She popped her tongue. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t think you’d move on so fast.” She took a deep breath and dropped her shoulders. “I feel like an idiot for interpreting things so wrong.”

“We’ve been broken up for almost 6 months, Daisy.” He suddenly became less defensive. “I’m sorry if I lead you on at all. I realized that I do that sometimes. Thanks abandonment issues.” He tried to joke.

“This sucks.” She said defeated. “I just want you to be happy. I just always assumed it would be with me I guess.” She took a long pause. “I’m so fucking tired right now. Can we just go to bed?” she sighed.

“You take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He gave her a reassuring smile. “I’m sorry for everything.”

She gave him a small smile. “Can I just hug you for a second?”

He nodded and opened his arms. She wrapped her arms around him. He did the same making sure to not squeeze too tight to give her any ideas. “Can I just grab one of your shirts to sleep?” she laughed through her sniffles. “All my stuff is in those bags and I have no idea where anything is.”

“Take your pick.” He smiled as he let go of her. She disappeared into their once shared bedroom.

Peter moved her suitcases further into the house and got an extra pillow and a blanket from the front closet.

* * *

The next morning, he grabbed his headphone from the hallway table and headed out the door. He knew Daisy would still be sleeping. He didn’t sleep well on the couch. He tossed and turned all night. He thought getting out and going for his daily run would clear his head before he could really figure out what to do, even if he was starting later than usual.

He blasted his running playlist as he made his way down his treelined street. He was still getting out of his fog when it hit him what really happened last night. Daisy was back. He couldn’t wrap his head around her not giving him a heads up. _How did she not receive the message loud and clear?_

He kept thinking back to their conversation. She was still in after it all. He felt bad having to be so firm with her. He hated being mean, especially to her. In his teen years, he grew up fast, always thinking he had to take care of people. He tried to take care of his mom, Owen, Gen, even Lara Jean.

 ** _SHIT. LARA JEAN._** She was probably on her way over now. He needed to get there before she got there. There was no easy way to explain the Daisy situation when they were in such an uncertain place to begin with. He immediately turned back towards his apartment and raced back.

He turned the corner inside his apartment’s parking lots and found her car stopped next to a grassy patch with a large oak tree. He went up to the car. He could see she was visibly upset. _Fuck._

“Lara Jean!” he tried to get her attention. The car windows were still rolled up. She wouldn’t even look at him. “Please.” His voice cracked. All he wanted was a chance to explain. He knew she would understand if she let him talk.

He watched her rub her face and wipe away tears. All he wanted to do was rip the door open and wrap her in his arms. He wanted to make it better for her. He loved her and couldn’t believe what must have been running around her head. “I can’t.” she replied.

His heart hit the panic button. He word vomited out everything he could to make her understand. “She came back super last night. This morning really. Unexpectedly. No notice. I wasn’t going to tell her she couldn’t stay in her own apartment. I slept on the couch.”

He watched her sweet mouth mumble something but couldn’t make it out through the glass. The single pane felt like it was keeping him an ocean away, not simply a few inches. “WHAT?” he yelled out in response.

“SHE IS STILL WEARING HER ENGAGEMENT RING PETER!” he heard her scream. It wasn’t a voice he was used to hearing. It was unrelenting and cruel. He wanted to be angry about it but he knew she had every right to be mad.

The statement hit him. His brain worked overtime to remember if she was wearing the ring. He had only seen her for a few moments last night. He hadn’t even thought to look. “SHE IS?” He watched her face as she wore every emotion. He tried to think of the next thing to say. His body was shaking he was so nervous. His brain was short circuiting. LOVE HER. Tell her you love her. He thought. He tried to lean into the window so she could hear him loud and clear.

“Fuck you.” Lara Jean mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. He stopped in his tracks & in that moment, she drove off leaving him in the dust.

He stood there for a moment with this hands-on top of his head. He needed to talk to her. He needed to explain it all. “Shit. Fuck. Fuck FUCK.” He got progressively angrier at himself. “You’re a fucking dumb ass. Fuck. Dumb shit.” He walked around the grassy spot where her car was. He messed up again. This time felt different than before. Like all the work he had done to get her back was gone. He was at less than zero. He needed to find her, wherever she was going.

He ran back to the apartment. “DAIS!” he yelled out.

Daisy emerged from the bedroom hallway pulling her hair into a bun on the top of her head. “Hi. How was your run? You look a little crazy right now?”

“What did you say to her?” he said trying to suppress his anger. 

“Say to who?” she questioned.

“Lara Jean.” He said plainly expecting her to be on the same page.

“Is that your cookie delivery girl?” she asked genuinely puzzled.

“Cookie--? What? The pretty Asian girl is my girlfriend Lara Jean. I just saw her in the parking lot driving off in tears.”

“Oh my god. I’m so embarrassing. I’m so sorry. She came with a box of cookies and didn’t say who she was and just left them. I assumed she was a Postmates person or something. God. I suck.” She said with bulging eyes out of shock.

“Shit. I know it wasn’t your fault. I should have been here, but fuck. I know what she’s thinking. Fuck. I need to go after her.” He said scrambling.

“Can I offer you some advice?” Daisy said following him around.

“Go.” He turned to her.

“Take a shower and change your clothes. She will need a minute to process. The least you can do is present yourself as not sweaty, smelly & gross.”

“Shower. Right.” He said his eyes darting back and forth.

“I’ll make you something to eat on your way. Just go get clean.”

He squinted and examined his former finance. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you and want you to be happy more than anything. So, if she is what makes you happy, I’ll get over it. Eventually anyways. I don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice, so go after your first.”

He nodded at her. Daisy would always be a part in his story. They grew so much together. They became adults together. Even if it wasn’t forever like he originally planned, he would always love her in a different way.

He got in the shower, determined to get clean & get Lara Jean back by telling her everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bunch of you wanted a Peter POV, so here it is. Hope it isn't the worst!   
> All your comments have been so lovely! I love getting your feedback! 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:   
> The Other Girl – Kelsea Ballerini  
> Worst In Me – Julia Michaels   
> Julia – Lauv  
> Maybe It Was Me – Sody


	10. Give Me Time

Lara Jean was back in a familiar setting. After a day of driving around aimlessly for hours to avoid being found, she sat in the treatment room with her dad by her side. Since the surgery, he just had a one more treatment to make sure the new non-cancer cells were growing.

She stared down at her phone, thinking something would change if she looked at it long enough. She had blocked Peter’s number yesterday afternoon when he texted her for the 50th time. It didn’t matter to her if there was a story. LJ couldn’t bear to hear that his perfect fiancé was back and he was getting back with her. She couldn’t take losing him like that.

“Are you okay, sweetie? You look like a Tim Burton character this morning. No judgement.” Dr. Covey asked as he adjusted the seat of his chair.

“Boy problems.” She rolled her eyes knowing her Dad knew about Peter from her conversation with Trina.

“What did Peter do?” he asked calmly. “Last time I saw you two, your eyes were sparkling at each other. You both seemed happy.”

“That seems like forever ago.” She said playing with her hands in her lap.

“It was two weeks ago.” He sighed. “But we’ve certainly had a lifetime of stress in the meantime, heh.”

“His fiancé is back. Well former fiancé… I think.”

“I asked Trevor and he said they had broken up a while ago.”

“You talked to Trevor about it?” she questioned and he nodded. “That’s what Peter told me too.” He shrugged looking at his daughter. “I talk to people too.” He tried to make her smile.

“But she’s back and she’s wearing the ring still. I went over to his apartment this morning to make up. We had a fight the night of your surgery. We were both stressed and said dumb stuff that I don’t think we meant. I was ready to grovel for the mean things I said about him & his dad.”

“He left his mom when you guys were in middle school?” Dr. Covey wanted to get the facts straight.

“Young high school, but still.” She shook her head. “I brought some of those snicker doodles I baked two nights for Margo’s flight home and she, Daisy is her name, answered the door. I have never felt more awkward in my entire life, and you know how awkward I am on a normal level. I didn’t know what to say. She thought I was a cookie delivery person Dad.” She cringed and let out a small laugh.

“Well what did he have to say about it?” her dad pondered.

“I don’t know. Honestly. I left in a hurry. My head was all over the place. He wasn’t even there. He ran up to my car in the parking lot. He was trying to talk to me but I kept my window up. It’s all a blur. I think he said she showed up randomly & nothing happened. But then she was still wearing her engagement ring.” She paused for a moment. “I’m just so confused. I feel like I should have it more together by now. I’m sorry Dad.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Her dad tried to move his arm not remembering it was hooked up to an IV. “You have zero to apologize for to me. I’m sorry that you haven’t wanted to talk about this stuff with me lately. I know it’s a lot going on, but still.”

“Don’t worry about it, Trina saved the day.” She tried to bring in some lightness.

“Right on. Well, if you are asking your dear old dad, I think you should let him explain. Hear him out. You will always be stuck on this if you don’t. Your mother would call it a “Come to Jesus” moment.” He made quotations with his fingers. “We would have a hard talk. Most of the time it was one we were putting off having. We weren’t allowed to leave the room, eat, or drink until it was sorted. Most of the time, we were just scared to say what we were really feeling. Sometimes it was fear, sometimes anger. But it was all out on the table. We were able to make the best decision for both of us once all the cards were laid out.”

“But how will I know if he’s lying about it or not? It’s not like he never lied to get out of something before.”

“Trust. You have to trust in what you have.”

“That’s hard when you’re the one getting hurt all the time.”

Dr. C pulled her in close to him. “I can’t tell you what to do. I never could. But I think you need to be selfish in this. You’re an exceptional care taker, but you sometimes need to remember to do what’s best for you.”

She nodded and wiped her eyes. “I guess so.”

“You need to stop not doubting yourself. You are so caring, intelligent, kind, funny, Gosh, the list goes on. You will figure it all out in the time you are supposed to. I know we’re not religious or anything, but I think God or the universe or whatever it is has a plan for you. Just give it time. And until it happens, you’ve got me.”

She felt like she was about to cry. She was supposed to be the one supporting her dad. She took a deep breath and smiled at him. “Thank you.”

Her dad took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “How about we try to watch one of those Gilmore shows you like so much?”

“I know the perfect episode.” She smiled and pulled up Netflix on her iPad.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were both engrossed in the fast-talking ladies of Stars Hallow. “So, she dating floppy haired boy but actually likes bad boy in jean jacket?”

“Yes, and the dance marathon is when its finally coming to a head.” She wrapped her arms around her legs and leaned to one side. She was drifting off into her own world when her heart stopped.

“Peter.” She said, adjusting her position & pushing her hair behind her ears.

“Hi.” He gave her a small smile. “Sorry for just showing up. You wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and your dad said it would be fine to—”

“You bothered my dad about this?” he said looking from one man to another.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay after I couldn’t find you yesterday.” He said scrunching the bottom of the sleeves of his navy quarter zip.

“Ever thought there was a reason I wouldn’t want you here?” she tried to keep her cool but a protective anger for her father was swiftly rising within her.

“Lara Jean.” Dr. C settled her. “I told him to come.”

She stared at him shocked. “You what?”

“He did come looking for you yesterday and I told him he was more than welcome to stop by today.” He smiled back at his daughter. “I think you two should go talk. Maybe go for a walk or something.”

“I can’t leave you here by yourself, Dad.” She was desperately trying to get out of it.

“I’m not alone. I have my Gilmore Girls to keep me company.” He said looking back at the screen.

She looked back at Peter. He half smiled at her and nodded towards the door. Lara Jean got up and put on her light pink bomber jacket while following him out. They walked together in silence until they cleared the building. There was a small courtyard that Lara Jean thought would be beautiful in the spring will the flowers & vines that ran up the walls. She put her hands in her pocket and sat down on a concrete bench. She looked up at Peter who was starting to pace frenetically.

“You can go first.” She said hoping he would stop as his pacing was making her anxious.

He looked at her and began. “I have a million things I want to tell you.” He said simply. “First. I am sorry for what I said the night of your dad’s surgery. It was my insecurities or whatever coming out and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry I bailed. I should have just stayed. Everything would have been fine if I didn’t run away. You deserved someone to stay.” He said searching her face for any indication of how she was taking in what he was saying. He paused waiting for her to say something but she sat there stoically so he continued. “I need to explain the Daisy thing.”

“You don’t have to.” She said looking up from the floor.

“I do though because I think it’s all been misconstrued.” His voice croaked. “Please let me explain it.” He sat down on the opposite end of the bench. He waited for LJ to nod before regaling her with the story.

“She showed up without notice at like 3AM. I swear on everything holy that nothing happened. I slept on the couch alone that night and let her have the bedroom. The only thing we did was talk. We talked for 10 minutes where I made it super clear that me and her are done because the only person I want to be with is you, Lara Jean.” He tried to scoot a little closer to her. She didn’t resist. “In our 10 minutes 3AM chat, I didn’t even realize she was wearing the ring. To be honest, I was in such a daze and was so tired. I wasn’t sleeping when we were fighting. I haven’t slept for more than an hour in like 4 days. I never could sleep when I thought you were mad at me.” He tried to smile at her.

He watched as she pursed her lips trying to process it all. “Why didn’t you tell me she was there?” she said softly.

“I was tired and dumb and didn’t think things through.”

“Why am I having such a hard time trusting you about this?” she shook her head. “I want to believe you. I just—I don’t know.” Her shoulder heaved as she felt like she was about to cry.

“Because I lied to you before. I don’t know if I’d be the most trusting person in the world either after all the shit I put you through.”

“Then why should we even try this?” she said wiping tears from her eyes.

“Because I love you.” He smiled at her. “I love you Lara Jean.” He took her hand and put hit to his heart. “And I think you love me too.”

She sat silently. _He loved her._ She could feel the beat of his heart pitter pattering faster than usual. She wanted to reach out and embrace him but held herself back and took a deep breath. “Why was she still wearing the ring, Peter? I can’t get the image of it out of my head.”

“I asked her about it last night after I got back from your Dad’s. She said it was just that she hadn’t taken it off. Daisy told me she understood we were done but always wore it out of habit. She said thought we’d be back together when she got back so she kept wearing it. She took it off and gave it back to me when I brought it up to her.” He pulled out the ring from his pocket to show her. “See.”

She bit the inside of her lip, not knowing what to do next. “I don’t know what to do.” She said through her tears. “I believe you. I just don’t know if I can handle the hurt you put me through. I can’t hate you. It would make everything so much easier if I could just hate you. I have been trying to so hard but I can’t.”

Peter put both of his hands around hers. “Then let’s give this a real shot.” He begged. “Nothing holding us back. No ex fiancés. Just you and me. I hate that I hurt you. Let me make it up to you.”

“I just don’t know.” She threw her head back. “I think I need time. Now that I know everything. I need time. I know you are gonna think I’m just going to get in my head about it, but I just need time to process.”

“Okay.” He squeezed her hands. “Whatever you need.”

She gulped. “I’m going to unblock your number, I just need you to not text me a million times. I’ll reach out to you when I’m ready.”

“I promise. You can trust me.” He tucked a loose stand of hair behind her ear and looked deeply into her eyes.

Lara Jean let out a sniffle and gave him a small smile. “I’m sorry, too.” She stood up from the bench.

“You don't have to apologize to me Lara Jean.” He mirrored her.

“That stuff I said about you and your dad… that was bad. I don’t believe any of it, you know that right.”

He pulled her in for tight hug. “I know.” She felt wrapped up in the warmth of his strong body. His slightly stubbly chin scratched the top of her head. She felt safe and at peace in his arms, but wondered if that was enough to forgive him. She pulled away just far enough to look up at his face. He looked down at her with hopeful sorrow. She reached up, rubbed her hand along his jaw, and gave him a sincere but hasty kiss.

“Just give me time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I been writing non stop to help with election anxiety. Hell yes, I have.  
> Only two more chapters left! (Hopefully coming out this weekend 🤞)  
> Thank you again for all your lovely comments & kudos on this story! I can't full express how much they keep me going! Y'all are excellent! 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:  
> So Will I – Ben Platt  
> Two Ghost – Harry Styles  
> Wrong Direction- Hailee Steinfeld


	11. Bedroom Ceiling

Chris huffed as she plopped down on the comfy chair in her apartment. She had invited Lara Jean over to destress after taking her dad to treatment. She picked up her glass of wine and relaxed. “Now that we’re all here, how’d it go today?”

“Treatment went well. My life: a cluster fuck.” She said flippantly while leaning up against a side of the sofa.

“Oh my god, what?” Chris’s eyes got big as she took a sip. “Also, before I forget, remind me to tell you about the job I may have gotten you.” 

“WAIT. Everything else on hold. You got me a job?” LJ sat up straight.

“Maybe. One of my donors is the CEO of a huge event planning company in DC and said she was looking for people and I told her all about you this afternoon. I gave her your number. She said she’d call tomorrow.”

“Chris, that’s… wow. Thank you.” She felt her heart flutter.

“You know I got you girl.” She smiled. “Now back to the cluster fuck of a day. Are you okay?”

“Well, to tell you what happened today, I have to explain what’s been going on for the past couple of months.” She shrugged.

“That you’re sleeping with Peter.” Chris blurted out.

“How did you? Huh?”

“Trevor, Rachel & I had a hunch. We all guessed you were trying to hide it and you didn’t do a great job of hiding it at your house for dinner that one night. I watched when you were in the kitchen and he couldn’t keep his hands off of you.”

“Oh.” She rolled her eyes. “Well, apparently I started dating an engaged dude.”

“He’s still engaged?!”

“Yes. Well, maybe not now, but when we started seeing each other he was still engaged. Daisy, his maybe ex-fiancé, was in Europe making a movie. He told me that he thought they broke up but she would still text him almost every day and he would respond. I found it on his phone and he didn’t deny anything. I felt fucking horrible because I’m not a cheater and I felt shitty because I made someone else a cheater. And even worse that Daisy didn’t know she was being cheated on. So, I broke it off.”

“Okay.” Chris said fully engaged in the story, taking another sip of wine.

“And then I met up with you and we saw that girl who was flirty with Ben and I felt even worse and went back to him.” LJ took a sip trying to read her friend’s face who was slightly shocked. “Then I made him break up with Daisy. He left her a voicemail cause time differences but apparently that didn’t mean anything because now she is back.”

“SHE’S BACK?!”

“Yeah, we got into an argument the night after my dad’s surgery and I went over to make up and she answered the door. It was beyond embarrassing. I wanted to go hide in a hole for real. She thought I was a cookie delivery person. Who even has that? Why did I go along with it?”

“Oh LJ, I’m so sorry.” She said reaching out to her friend.

“That’s not even the worst part. She was still wearing the ring.”

“You’re joking!” Chris choked back her drink.

“No. Ring on. It felt like a dagger through my heart. I basically became a puddle crying when I got to my car, no one is surprised by that.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have been there for you.”

“I disappeared for the day. I drove around blasting loud music in sad girl rage. I know I’m not supposed to isolate myself, but I needed to be with my thoughts.” LJ paused to take a sip of her wine. “And today at treatment, Peter just shows up.”

“How did he know you were there?”

“My dad told him to come. Apparently, he showed up at my house and talked to my dad about the whole thing which is just another level of high school embarrassment I don’t need in my life anymore.”

“I’m not sure if I think that’s snake-y for going behind your back or admirable for fighting for you.”

“Well then we talked and he apologized for everything and tried to explain, but I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what? Are you guys together or not? Is Daisy really out of the picture?”

“I don’t know what to do, honestly. He told me he loves me, Chris. LOVES ME. But I don’t know if I can trust him in the way I used to. I don’t know if it’s worth it if he’s just going to hurt me again.”

“I think I get it. It’s always easier to have some walls up so you don’t get hurt. But the walls also mean that you’re going to be alone.” Chris tried to assure her best friend. “Also, I’m sorry if what I said in the bar that day made you feel shitty. You know I would never think of you like that.”

“I know.” LJ lamented. “I’m so confused.” She leaned back.

“Well, this leads us to a very important question.” Chris fiddled with the rim of her glass. “Do you love him?”

The question hung in the air. “I really want to say yes.” She nodded and felt tears welling up. “I do love him, just part of me feels like I can’t. At least not right now.”

“Do you want me to listen & support you or give advice?” Chris asked. “My therapist told me to ask people that when they are going through it.”

“Advice. Please.” Lara Jean took a long sip of her wine.

“Talk with Grace tomorrow. Wow her with everything you are. Don’t let this Peter stuff effect you. Just do something for you. I think this job could be really great for you. I love you, but this whole time you have been in a weird funk. I admire how much you want to help your dad & you’ve done a great job, but you stopped your life for this. I think you feel lost because you feel like you’re stuck here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you love being around your family and stuff, but you were never meant to stay here permanently. You need to be somewhere big. You belong somewhere where things are actually happening, not in our dumb little college town. Forget Peter, Other than your dad & I, what is here for you?”

“I don’t know.” She felt a weight lift off her shoulders.

“Plus, if you get this job, DC is only 2 hours away. There is culture & exciting things for you to do that actually use your skill. You can hop on a train and be here in no time if something happens.”

Lara Jean took a second. “Did she say what time she was going to call?”

* * *

“I have one more interview this afternoon, but I will hopefully let you know in a couple days.” A beautiful woman with pulled back blonde hair said over the computer speakers.

“Great. It was so lovely to meet you, Ms. Geller. I’m so happy Chris could connect us.” She smiled back.

“We will speak soon. Bye!”

“Bye!” LJ waved to the woman on her computer screen. The window shut down. Chris’s donor Grace Geller called her first thing the next morning. She was kind and warm over their Zoom call they scheduled later that afternoon. Grace was in the market for a new Junior Event Planner to help in their occasions department. The idea of helping put together weddings, baby showers & birthday parties filled Lara Jean with butterflies of excitement.

Her dad popped his head into the small office in their home. “How’d it go? Sounds like it went well.”

She smiled widely at her dad. “I think this may be my dream job.”

“That’s fantastic sweetie. I haven’t seen you this excited about something in a while. Happy looks good on you.” He walked past the doorway into the family room, green smoothie in hand.

Lara Jean continued to smile. It was the first time since moving back home, she felt optimistic about her future.

* * *

She sat crossed legged on her bed. Her leggings brushed against the cotton of her fluffy comforter. Her eyes were fixed on her phone. She wanted to text him but couldn’t bring herself to do it without a concrete answer to give him. She hated being strung along. She couldn’t do it to someone else.

She laid back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Thoughts of nights of them in this bed rushed in. She could feel his arm draped over her on the quiet nights where he fell asleep before her. She would count his breaths on her shoulder. She could hear him humming along to the Great British Bakeoff theme song as she made him watch the newest episodes with her. The flashes of peaceful moments only made the memories of fighting more difficult. 

Part of her wish he was there to wrap her in his arms and make her feel safe. Part of her wondered if those nights together weren’t even real. The past month had been a blur of doctor appointments & stress. Peter was the only thing to slow down the fuzz in her brain. Did that mean something or was she wanting it to be more than it was?

She felt like she had to reach out. She picked up her phone and typed. _I’m not avoiding you. Still processing._ She read it again and deleted it. That made it sound like a business transaction. She hated that this wasn’t black and white. Yes or no. Even after talking with Chris, Trina & her dad, she still felt hungover with the looming decision. _Still thinking. Sorry._ She sent it off before she could even think about it. She threw her phone to the other side of her bed.

The words from her dad played over and over in her head. _You need to be selfish in this._ She was annoyed she couldn’t come to a decision for herself. She closed her eyes and whispered softly, “I wish you were here to tell me what to do, Mom. You would know just what to say.”

* * *

“Before we eat, I just want to make a little toast.” Dr. Covey smiled and raised his glass at their table at his favorite steak house. “Thank you for everything. Without you two amazing ladies, I don’t think I would have gotten through this. I don’t know what magic I did in a previous life to get so lucky to have my gang of strong women to help me get through things. So, cheers to you!”

“To being cancer free!” Trina cheered.

“Cancer free!” Lara Jean echoed.

This morning they sat in Dr. Poppy’s office and got the news they had been waiting for. Between the surgery and chemo, it was gone. When they heard the news, Lara Jean burst out crying. Trina threw her arms around her husband. Dr. C got up and did a happy dance. He would still have to go in for routine screenings & testing but the hard part was over for now.

The moment they walked out of the medical building, Lara Jean felt free. Instead of worrying about what she had to do for others, she finally felt like she could focus on herself. She didn’t have to consider being near home to help her dad. She didn’t have to worry about anyone but her. She began to feel a clarity she hadn’t felt since college.

Their steaks arrived, juicy & plump. “Tonight, we embrace life!” Dr. Covey said with a glimmer in his eye. “Eat up!” They all worked through their meal, smiling and laughing. There was a levity that hadn’t been present in the Covey household for over a year.

The melodic sounds of LJ’s cellphone rang from her bag. “Sorry.” She hurried for the phone to silence the extra loud ringer. She thought it was rude to have your phone out at such a fancy dinner. She glanced at the screen. Grace Geller. Her eyes got wide. “It’s Grace from the job interview.”

“Answer it.” Trina urged.

“Lara Jean Covey.” She tried to sound as professional as possible. Her parents listened in.

“Hi Grace. I’m great, how are you?” … “Yes. I loved getting to speak with you too.” …. “Yes.” … “Great.” … “I would love to.” … “Thank you so much. I will. Thank you.”

She put her phone down and looked up at her dad & step mom. “I got it!” They broke out in a cheer and both went over to hug her.

“This calls for champagne. Now we’re really celebrating!” Dr. Covey yelled out of the entire eatery to hear.

Lara Jean sat there smiling ear to ear. She glanced across the table to an empty seat and only wanted to talk to one person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so close to being over. I have loved writing this story so much! The last chapter is probably going to end up being long since I kind of don't want to end being in the characters head's. (Hopefully out Sunday)  
> Thank you for all your feedback on this story! Make sure you're hydrating. 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:  
> Lost at Sea – Oshima Brothers  
> Half of My Hometown – Kelsea Ballerini  
> Is Your Bedroom Ceiling Bored? – Sody & Cavetown  
> Rainbow - Kasey Musgraves


	12. Ends With Meetings in Parking Lots

“I’m just so excited for you!” Chris held Lara Jean’s arm and jumped up and down. “I really feel like this is such a new start for you. I’m so proud of you.” Lara Jean drove to Chris’s office to thank her in person. Her office looked out over UVA’s famous lawn. LJ remembered how her mom used to take her and her sisters for picnics here in the summer.

“Well I couldn’t have done it without my fairy god angel.” She smiles back.

“Thank you. Thank you. I take my payment in cash, card & caramel lattes.”

“The first of many caramel lattes coming your way.” She let her friend lead the way to the quaint coffee shop just off campus. They ordered at sat down among the students typing away on their laptops.

“Why do I feel so old compared to these kids now? We only graduated college like 3 years ago.”

“Because we are adults with our dream jobs.” Chris stuck her tongue out at her best friend. “So, what did Grace tell you? What will you be doing? When will you start?”

‘No idea when I start. That still needs to be worked out. She said I’d be planning everything for baby showers & weddings to birthdays & all of it. Gosh. I’m so excited. This is a huge step up from my old job in Ashville. I was getting to do events but nowhere on the scale of Grace’s company. I cannot thank you enough for this.”

“Cheers.” Chris lifted her cup. “If anyone deserves it, it’s you babe.” They clinked their cups and took a sip of the sweet lattes. “So not to burst your bubble, but have you talked to Peter yet?”

“I texted him saying I was ready to talk. He’s at an away game all day so we’re going to meet up tomorrow.” She tapped her fingers on the small wooden table.

“Wow. Are you okay with everything? You know what you’re gonna do?”

“I think so.” She tried to smile.

“Well, I’m proud of you for making your decision. I know with you and Peter it’s never easy.”

LJ shrugged not wanting to talk about him. She thought she would burst out in tears if she had to. “Where is Ben this week?” she tried to change the subject.

“He’s here actually. Home game this weekend. He’s leaving for like two and a half weeks after this though.”

“How do you deal with being apart so much?”

“It was hard to get used to it at first. I think I just trusted in what we have. We had a strong base and just made a point to make our relationship a priority. When he’s away, we don’t go a day without talking. Not just texting, but making sure we talk on the phone or FaceTime. We know its just part of the job. Plus, I love my alone time. I get to watch all the trash reality tv I want with no judgement. Then when he is here, it’s more special because we appreciate our time together more.”

“Yeah.” LJ smiled at how easy Chris made it seem.

“You just have to put the work in for the people you love right.” She smiled at her best friend. A ping rang out from Chris’s purse. She reached in and looked at her phone. “Shit. I have to get back to the office. Thank you so much for this. We’ll meet up soon. Maybe dinner this weekend?” she went over and gave LJ a hug. “Love you. Proud of you.” She yelled out while leaving the shop.

Lara Jean smiled and started scrolling on her Instagram feed. She decided she needed some new pieces if she were going to start a new journey in the big city. She finished her latte and decided to head back home and prepare for tonight.

She made her way to the front of the coffee shop when she felt a tap on her shoulder. “Lara Jean.”

She turned around and was face to face with Daisy. “Oh, hi.” She said in a bit of shock.

“Hi. I saw you were here and I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t come apologize to you.”

“Oh, you don’t have to.”

“But I really do.” She gave LJ a small side smile. “I feel like I messed everything up for you and Peter and I can’t apologize enough.”

“We had stuff before you came back. Nothing is your fault.”

“Peter told me you saw me wearing the ring and that we still texted and all that stuff. If I knew he was actually moving on and seeing someone, I would never do that to someone. Peter has been my best friend for a while now. We became adults together and I think I just didn’t want to believe we were letting that go. He did break up with me and made it clear. I just didn’t want to listen because I still loved him. I gave him the ring back and have been staying at my friend’s place since then. Swear to god. I feel really sucky that me being an ass about it made your life hell.”

Lara Jean felt her heart ping for Daisy. She was having to deal with her feelings with Peter too. “I know.” She smiled back. “Peter Kavinksy is a hard one to let go of.”

“True.” She moved all her hair to one side of her shoulders. “It’s more than 75% of the reason why I accepted a job in California.”

“You’re moving to California?”

“Yeah. I got offered a research position up near San Francisco. I think putting space between me & Peter will help me get over him easier.”

“That’s awesome. Congratulations.”

"Thanks.” She smiled and started to turn away. “I think he really loves you. Be good to each other.”

* * *

“Hi.” He said, hands in pocket as LJ approached the picnic table where he was sitting.

“Hi.” She gave him a gentle smile. “How’d yesterday go?” She sat down across from him.

“Fine.” He said observantly anxious. His leg was shaking. “We won.”

“Congrats.” She said. She felt the tension between them intensify. “So….” LJ didn’t know how to start this. She was trying to think of something insightful to say when “I got a job.” blurted out of her mouth.

“Wow. Congrats.” He smiled at her and grabbed for her hands. She let him them take them. She swooned at the rough and calloused palms against the back of hers. “That’s amazing. You deserve it. Really.” He stared deep into her eyes trying to get an idea of how this would go.

“Thank you.” She smiled. “Chris connected me with one of her donors.”

“What will you be doing?”

“Event planning. Weddings, baby showers, birthdays. They do some huge 5000-person events too. Like the ultra glamorous ones you’d see in a magazine or maybe in history books one day. All the stuff I love.” She blushed. 

“You’re glowing as you talk about this.” He marveled at her. She felt love radiating off his sweet face.

“The job is in DC.” She said bringing her back to Earth.

“Oh.” He took a moment and looked down at the weather worn table. “DC’s not that far. That’s easy to go back and forth.”

“Peter.” She tried to give him a smile but felt like she was about to cry.

“Oh.” It hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Peter, I love you. You told me that the other day and I never said it back, but I love you Peter Kavinsky. Even with all the shit we’ve been through, I love you.” A few tears fell from her eyes.

“Then why are you doing this? You don’t need to do this.” Tears were falling from his eyes. She had only seen him really cry a handful of times before. She wanted to reach for him but knew it would only make this hurt more.

“Because I need to be the person I want to be. I need to go for this. I put my life on hold after it all feel apart and I just think now that my Dad is okay, it’s time to go out and do it.”

“You don’t have to do it alone though.”

“I think I do. At least for a little bit. I’ve spent my whole life taking care and depending on other people. I need to find out who I am by myself.”

“It’s just not fair.” He wiped his tear stained cheeks. “I fucking love you and you love me too. We should be able to make this work.”

“Listen,” she grabbed out for his face to make him look directly at her. “You are my great love. You always have been and probably always will be. I just need to do this on my own.”

“Where does that leave me?” he moved his face away from her hands, feeling rejected.

“You are going to do the same. We’re going to become the best versions of ourselves. The people we are meant to be. We can’t do that together, at least right now. I know deep down you know this too.”

“I think you’re making a mistake.” He said shaking his head. “It’s not fair to tell me your love me then run away. I am just supposed to move on from this?”

“I want you to be happy and if that means moving on, then that’s what you need to do, Peter. Other than you and my dad, there is nothing here for me. I have to stop planning my life to fit someone else. I need to do this. I hope one day we can be close again but I know you probably hate me right now. In time I think we’re going to be grateful for this.”

“I don’t hate you. I just can’t – fuck. This fucking sucks.” He put his head in his hands and LJ watched as his shoulders moved up and down.

She got up and went to the other side of the table so she was sitting right next to him. “Come here.” He pulled him close to her. She stroked the side of his head. “We’re going to be okay, I promise.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her. They sat in that position for a few minutes. Neither of them daring to speak a word.

Peter insisted he walk Lara Jean to her car. Both of their faces red and cheeks stained with tears. They reached her car and stared at each other’s faces. They both began crying again. Lara Jean knew this was the right decision but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell. “I should go.” She said softly.

He nodded and wiped his cheek. He began to step back but then wrapped his arms around her one last time. She pressed her head onto his chest and listened to his heart beat, slow and strong. Peter kissed her on top of her head and squeezed her once more, almost as if he got her close enough this would all be going differently.

She looked pulled back slightly and looked up at him. She wanted to remember his face. She got on her tip toes and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek before letting go completely.

He stood in the parking lot of the park they used to frequent when they were kids as he watched her drive off to what she had to do.

* * *

Lara Jean put the last of her boxes in her trunk. The past two weeks had been a haze. After she broke up with Peter, she had tried to avoid any down time by going to DC with Chris, got an apartment & packed everything she owned into her beat up Kia. She knew she made the correct decision with Peter, but she knew if she let herself think about it too much, she would just want to run back to him.

Dr. Covey closed her trunk. “You got everything?” he smiled her.

“I think so.” She leaned up against the car.

“Here,” he had some cash folded in his hands. “Just in case.”

“Dad. I’m fine.”

“Please let me give this to you. It will make me feel so much better as your dad.” LJ smiled, took it and put it in her pocket.

“Are you sure you don’t want me and Trina to go with you?” he asked nervously.

“I’ll be fine. I have the air mattress for tonight, my bed is getting delivered tomorrow. It will be so much better when you get there next weekend. I promise I will call if I need anything.” She tried to reassure him.

“You’re right.” He took a deep breath. “I’m so proud of you, Lara Jean.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“But really, I don’t think you fully understand how fearless you are sometimes. You might be terrified of something but you do it anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever known someone as courageous as you.”

“You’re gonna make me cry.” She tried to turn away to not let him see her get emotional.

He pulled her in for a hug. “Thank you for being by my side through all of it. You are my inspiration.” He smiled.

Trina ran out of the house holding a box of snacks and drinks. “Here are some goodies for you for your trip and when you get there. I know you might not want to go out to get food tonight so I needed you to have subsidence.” She motioned to the bottle of wine laying down on the side of the container.

“Thank you, Trina.” She said while pulling her into a hug. “It’s going to be so weird not having our early morning coffee talks.”

“Facetime me anytime. I may look like a monster from the black lagoon but I’ll always answer for you.” She smiled and let her go. Lara Jean looked at her dad and step mom and smiled. Improving her relationship with her parents was one of the things she treasured most about this detour in her life.

“Okay. If I don’t go now, I never will.” She smiled and tried to hold back tears. “I’ll see you next weekend.” She said giving Trina and her dad one last hug before getting in the car.

She put her new address in the GPS, turned on her upbeat playlist and peeled out of the driveway. She watched in the rear view mirror as her dad and Trina wave her off to her new life.

* * *

** TWO YEARS LATER **

Lara Jean breathed in the first true day of sunshine this year. The cherry blossoms had not bloomed yet but the weather was unconscionably bright and warm. Her cotton dress and oversized jean jacket mirrored her carefree feelings. She felt stable as she walked down her neighborhood streets in her cozy DC neighborhood. A giant tote bag hung over her shoulder. She was headed to her favorite Sunday tradition, the Farmer’s Market.

She entered the market that took place in a huge abandoned parking lot. She loved meandering through the vendors booths, trying new samples & meeting new people. She was planning a dinner party later in the week for her friends from work and wanted to find something special, maybe some cheese to make a fancy charcuterie board or a special zing to add to her world famous spice cake.

She ran her hand through her now shoulder length hair as she slowly made her way through the aisles filled with families and college students alike. She stopped at a booth at the end of the aisle to try some wine for the party.

“Can I try the Pinot?” she asked to the woman working the booth with a long grey braid in her hair. She stood there wistfully, playing with her hands.

“Covey?” a voice came from behind her. She saw him and felt her heart flip. “Oh my god. Is that you?”

“Peter.” Her face broke out into a wide smile. “Oh my god. How are you? What are you doing here?” She marveled at him. He was wearing an open button-down shirt to reveal a tight-fitting t shirt underneath. He looked like a grown up, he no longer had his boyish good looks. He was more mature somehow. A few curls fell in front of his face. He was full man. She tried to fight off blushing just by looking at him.

“I was just with some friends from the team. I meant to call you actually. I just got a job here.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I’m on the coaching staff at Georgetown now.”

“That’s amazing. Congratulations!” she went in for hug and wrapped her arms around him. He was stunned and lifeless for a moment before doing the same. She could feel him take her in. He took in the smell of her hair, his hands moved up and down the curvatures of her back. 

He was the first to let go. She starred up at him with a new glow to her face. “What are you doing right now?”

“Nothing really. I was here with someone people but I can bail.” He motioned over to a group of people gathered around high tops tables.

“I want to show you a place.” She took his hand and smiled at him. “Do you trust me?”

He laughed and looked down at their interlocked hands. “Lead the way.”

They walked down the city streets, not daring to pull their hands apart. They talked about life, family, work. They felt the same but different, completely comfortable but more mature and settled.

Lara Jean stopped and turned to Peter. “This is what I want to show you.”

Peter looked up at the old row house. “Okay?” he watched her as she looked longingly at the brick building.

“I walk past this house every day. Every day I imagine what it would be like to live in a place like this. An old home with lots of character and charm. The built-in bookshelves living the dining room walls, sitting in that bay window there with a book and hot coco on a winter afternoon, the stairs that would probably creak if you stepped on them the wrong way. I’ve imagined it every day for two years.” She looked back at him, examining his strong jaw and slightly stubbled chin. “I imagine my life in this house every day and you are always there.” He turned to her slightly confused.

“Peter, when we left things I said I needed to grow into the person I was meant to be. And I did. I am successful in my job and I have more than one friend for once in my life. I’m not the person to run away and hide scared anytime something is hard anymore. Everything is in place except you.” She searched his face for any reassurance. “You are the great love of my life. I’m ready now. I figured out what I needed to do and I did it. I knew I needed to it I can be the best version of me. So I can be worthy of you, Peter.” She rubbed her thumb along his hands. “When I saw you today and you said you were here now it just confirmed what I already knew. Everything that was once fuzzy became so freaking clear to me. It’s you.”

He stood there for a moment. Looking from the house to her face. Her childlike brown eyes sparkled as he tried to contain his emotions. “After we broke up, I was pretty broken. It took me forever to be able to hear your name again without wanting punch a hole in the wall. But a couple months later, I realized why you did it. I was a real shit head then and you dumping me is what made me turn my shit around. I just felt like I could get it together because you thought I could. I kind of wanted to be better than you thought I could be to prove you made a mistake. I even started talking with my dad again.” He dropped her hands and continued to look at her. “When I got offered the job at Georgetown, all I thought about was you and how even being in the same 70 square miles as you was better than not having you in my life anymore. I suggested my friends go to the Farmer’s Market because I knew you loved it and I needed to feel you around me.” He smiled not being able to contain himself anymore. “I still love you, Lara Jean.”

She lunged for him and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a full-bodied kiss. His hands reached around her waist and picked her slightly off the ground. They broke the kiss giggling and he spun he spun her around before putting her down.

“I know we have a lot to talk about and shit to work through, but I’m in if you’re in.” he smiled.

Tears began forming in her eyes. She was beyond happy. She wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She never wanted to feel away from him again. “All in.”

They walked down the tree lined streets as a spring breeze & sunshine tickled their blushed faces.

“So, you thought about me every day, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story took a little piece of my heart with it.  
> Thank you for all the love for this one. You are too dang sweet & deserve the world!   
> I already have an idea for a new story, much less depressing I promise <3 
> 
> Chapter Playlist:  
> One Last Wedding - Thad Kopec  
> Overused (featuring gnash) – Clara Mae  
> Favorite Ex – Maisie Peters  
> Love You For A Long Time – Maggie Rogers  
> Home to You – Sigrid "would it be okay if i came home to you?" 
> 
> & of course the song that handed me the idea: Illicit Affairs – Taylor Swift  
> "What started in beautiful rooms, ends with meetings in parking lots"

**Author's Note:**

> ❤ I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Enjoy! ❤


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